Yes, Perth has been a manic but wonderful month of drinking and lying on beaches. I made the wise decision to stay at a hostel by the beach instead of staying in the chaotic Northbridge in the main city. It is quite simply beautiful here. The hostel in a chilled little town that apparently has more millionaires per square mile than anywhere else in the world. So lots of flash cars and beautiful people swanning around the place with a load of scummy backpackers in a hostel slap bang in the middle of it. Right on the beach so when you get up you walk straight onto it. And its probably the best beach Ive been to in my life. Check it:
'Yes'
'Yes'
'Yes'
'YES!'
'RRRAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!'
Had the initial fear again of arriving on my own and worrying about not meeting anyone. Once again my fears were completley unecessary. Im not sure how I actually met everyone but managed to form a big group of great friends and hung out with them for the entire time. The hostel was basic but had a little courtyard where people would congregate every night to drink. It was hard to do anything else to be honest:
'Err, anyone fancy a soft drink?'
For the first week I didnt leave the village. To be honest I barely left the hostel! I would go to the beach and melt in the 37C sun then go to the hostel and drink the crazy goon (boxes of wine - 4 litres for 5 quid). Not sure if its actually wine, I think its some sort of checmical substitute but seems to do the job. In addition to your usual hangover though it gives you a crazy sore throat and agonising stomach craps. Good stuff then. The drinking would sometimes just be endless. Like one morning I stumbled groggily down to the courtyard at midday only to be handed a beer where an impromptue all day drinking session started and resulted in us all shaving our stuble to leave just a moustache.
'Borrat, Me and Jack. Yex-a-mesh!'
However, the craziness did slow down at some points which allowed me to venture out and try other things. Like surfing. Ive only been used piddly little waves on all the beaches Ive ever been to. It was quite a shock to go swimming in sea with proper 'surf'. You go out and get battered, smashed and half drowned by waves sometimes twice the size of you. And they're the small ones. But I persevered and managed to get the hang of body surfing where you kind of make a superman pose and ride on top the wave. Great fun but if you time it wrong you can get plouged head first into the sand. Also tried a body board which is the little short boards that you lie on but they can give you horribly sore nipples unless you wear a rashie (got my surfing lingo down a treat too). I will be attempting proper surfing in the near future where I will probably kill myself.
One thing I have noticed about Australia is the amount of weirdos and mentalists there are floating around. 2 people got thrown out of the hostel; one for feeling up the girls in the dorm while they were sleeping, the other was just a psycho. He would drink all day everyday in the pub on his own then would come into the hostel and start threating everyone. Even raising his fists to some of the girls. When challenged by some of the other guys he stated 'Ill rip your fucking hands off'. Nice. Out! Another one occured just sitting outside a chip shop in the middle of the day. Some guy came out of the shop and sat at the table across from us and just glared at the guy I was with and growled "What you fucking looking at. You fucking want some?! Yeah thought so!!". Totally unprovoked. Man, I cant be dealing with all the weirdness. The last weirdo was thankfully a very pleasant person. But no less weird. Elaine, the woman who is in the Guiness book of records for having the most piercings on the human body. 4220. Thats right. 4220. With no less than 500 in her vagina!! She was staying at the hostel and I bumped into her on the way back from a night out. She said shes looking for a nice blonde man. Good luck love. I asked her how she got through airport security and she said she simply strips naked. Of course?!? She then proceeded to get her tits out and make me feel all the piercings under skin of her breast. Why the hell not. Although she was quite an attention seeker (well, obviously) she was very pleasant. Apparently shes going off to Hawaii or somewhere to do some filming for the next Scoobee Doo film. Probably as some sort of ghost.
'You've, er, got something on your face love'
Weirdos aside, Perth is probably my favourtie place so far. Met so many wicked people who Im keeping in touch with for a reunion next year. Obviously a lot has happened in the last month so heres a few highlights.
Diving. I have changed my opinion of it. Went snorkling off the beautiful Rottnest island and it was amazing. It was about 10 meters deep and perfectly clear and I spent my time chasing a huge sting ray all over the shop. Felt like superman flying over an underwater city. I think I wanna live under the sea. Also did some exercise (!) and cycled around the island.
'What is this strange sensation..'
Windsurfing. One of the guys in the hostel was a windsurf instructor and took us out for discount lessons. Good fun but ridiculously difficult. It ended up with us all drifting all the way past the barriers each time as we had no way to control the bloody thing.
A conversation on the beach one day about the mighty Steam Rock in Bristol and playing centurians (drinking 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes) led to me organising a random toga party for everyone and, of course, playing centurians.
'Toga! Toga! Toga!'
I would like to say for the record that it was only me and the lovely Charlie that managed to do all 100 without throwing up or going to the toilet. I did however wake up in my toga and head reef.
Got a little drunk one night and watched TV and saw an advert for a waterpark. My eyes lit up I hired some cars and got everyone down there. I can honestly not think of a better day than splashin about in a waterpark with 6 beutiful girls in bikinis. Im a f**king genious.
'Im getting wet'
Random art gallery on the beach:
'Dead, polystyrene, cows. What else'
Did a little mini road trip down to Margret River to check out the crazy surf and do a little wine tasting on a tour of all the vinyards. I dont think Ill ever be a wine conosur as after a while it all started to taste the same. Possibly because ive battering my taste buds with all the booze and fags. One of the guys in the winery only talked to the girls and would make make lots of letcherous comments and constantly looking at there tits. He then bragged about his son being in one of the photos for the winery and then in a different context mentioned 'charging by the hour or the day' to which I said 'What? Your son?' which I dont think he liked to mych but made me feel good for getting one up on the letch. Anyway, heres an action shot:
'Plenty of nose'
Found a cool feature on my camera that allows you to take multiple, paparrazzi style photos at once. Great for action shots, like jumping into a pool:
'The Genie'
Did a little sight seeing around the beautiful city of Perth:
'Not a cloud in the sky every day I was in Perth'
There are probably lots of other things that Ive over looked but to be honest I think Ive rotted my brain a little from all the over indulgence which is not a good thing as Im now in Sydney, its raining and I have a job interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Have you ever wondered what happens when you cover yourself in suncream and then bury your face in the sand? This:
'Alright?'
Keep the sand out of your crack blog fans.
