Phuket, Thailand

Ah. Its at times when you realise your naked, floating in the sea at 5 in the morning, the shore looking a fair distance away and your company are your mates and women of dubious gender, you start to ponder where it all went wrong.

Yes, Phuket island has treated me well. Its kinda been strange. Like going on holiday when your travelling. Phuket (or fuck it, chortle, guffaw, etc) is like a big tourist destination. Fully westernised and not really a backpacker destination. We arrived at Kamala beach, a quietish little desination which was filled with German familes. It wasnt a big problem though as you just get in holiday mode and start chilling on the beach.

My first xmas away from home and I can tell you that its a nice change having 1 hour massages for 4 pound on the beach watching the sun set over the hills. Lots happened over the week I spent there but the basic formula was; wake up if possible, chill on the beach, go out drinking. Similar to a normal xmas holiday but without the beaches then. Too much happened so heres the highlights.

Two of the lads I was with (Docker and Sparky) hired mopeds for the day and went round the island on a mini pub crawl. They came back, mildy drunk while me and the other lad (Homlesy) were having dinner. They advised us where to go for nightlife. Finished dinner and jumped on the back of the moped with Sparky. Not having been on a moped before, without a helmet and the driver under the influence, I was a little nervous to be honest. Sure enough about 10 minutes in were going up a hill and he over revs and pulls a big wheely. I fall off the back and he falls into a ditch. The rabbit foot (or whatever it is thats prevented me from killing myself all these years) was in full effect and I managed to land on my feet and he had a soft landing in some weeds. Much laughter insued. A night on the lash in Potang (A seedy 'orrible little place filled with go-go bars and old western blokes, and young Thai women) and Holmesy and Docker decide to drive the mopeds home. I got a tuk tuk back with Sparky thank god. Holmesy nearly killed himself by crashing into a concrete block and getting himself some nasty grazes (have you ever managed to cut yourself on your armpit??!). It was quite funny to walk in his room in the morning and see him still wearing his blood soaked flip flop. Dont worry though blog fans, I am looking after myself and this was a mild moment of madness.

Another night. Walking to a restraunt ( I still have no idea had to spell that word) theres string in front of the entrance. I walk up doing a mock cutting the string first opening job, just as all the staff in slow motion go "Nooooooo" and I put my foot in wet cement. Bit embaressed as they had to ring up the contractors to come round and re-set it. It was like Fawlty Towers. Sparky didnt get a starter even though he ordered one, it took 3 people to work out how to open a bottle of wine and I had to ask for the bill 3 times and they kept going "yes, yes" and then doing nothing. After dinner, Sparky tried to squeeze out a cheeky fluff and the poor bugger had a bit of "Thai Belly" and followed through and fouled himself. More hilarity insued as we were waiting for the bill for so long and he uncomfortably shifted from cheeky to cheek. We were crying on the way home as he had to walk through the town with a large wet patch on his trousers. He also had the misfortune of going commando so there was no underwear to, er, 'break his fall' so to speak.

Christams Day was bizzare. Woke up with a hang over (over course!), and forgot what day it was for a while. Xmas is not celebrated over here so the only real reminder you get are all the bars offering xmas dinner for all the western toursits. Was a pleasant change. If like me you feel xmas is a bit over-commercialsed these days, then you can appreciate how nice it felt to not have it shoved down your throat. Had a traditional xmas dinner, lobster on the beach. For 6 pound. Frickin fantastic.

Boxing day. Turkey sandwiches....hell no! White water rafting and riding on Elephants more like! I was not nervous about rafting at all for some reason, even though there was a lengthy saftey procedure. It was all families again except for us 4 likely lads. So as we got in the raft and started paddling the 2 drivers at either end could see we were a couple of boys and decided to take on a bit of a ride. They guided us into all the rocks and we were caning it down there. Great fun until they smashed us into one rock and the boat went on its side, Holmesy had his head under water and Docker shot off the boat, out of the foot straps and into the water! Took two people to drag him back in as he's a bit chunky. Then Elephant riding. Christ. You sit on a tiny seat that rocks around all over the place and they guide these huge beasts through these tiny muddy tracks with sheer drops into rivers on the side. Literally one slip by the 'phant and it was curtains. Was cacking it most of the way until we got onto the main road where I felt safer. It didnt help having the guide pointing out helpful things like 'Look. Spider. Deadly' and 'Careful, low branch'. Was nice to watch the DVD of it at the end of the day (they had locals filiming everyone with little camcorders everywhere), and all the nice families are enjoying themselves and every time the cameras on us we're either swearing, picking our noses, scratching our arses or pulling the finger. Didnt catch Docker falling in though as we would have bought it otherwise.

In the evening went out to watch the footy, and the bar staff were 'ladies of dubious gender' as I like to call them. Thai girls are either selling their bodies or pool sharks (the game of pool not swimming around with fins on their backs) They challenge you to a game for who buys a drink and they whip your arse. Got anailated at pool and at drinks. Thats when I had the idea of swimming in the sea. The staff came with us and thats where the start of this blog ends. A very foolish thing to do as countless people die doing that but although I was naked, I guess the rabbits foot was wedged up my arse.

Oh, managed to do a day trip site seeing as well. Was gonna upload photos but this computer is gaylord. Take care blog fans.

P.S. We're now in Ko Pha Ngan (Ko Pang Yang), Ibiza in Thailand. Buckets. No more needs to be said. New Years will be chaos....

Bangkok, Thailand

I was quite nervous coming here for some reason. Perhaps its from all the horror stories Ive heard and read about the place. Didnt sleep much the night before. However, I did have one of the smoothest flights over. Woke up in my hostel at 9am, was on the plane by 10:15am. Sweet. Got into Thailand and got ripped off straight away by paying 9 quid for a 1 hour journey. Sounds cheap but the other guys I met later paid a pound each! And man is it cheap out here. Bought toilet paper, big bottle of water and 20 fags and still got change from a pound! Insane.

So checked into my hostel on the infamous Khao San Road which is litterally packed with travelling westeners. A busy dirty market street selling anything you could possibly imagine. At first I found it quite overwhelming as for the past month all I had seen everyday was 99% asian faces so to see a load of westeners was quite a culture shock. Especially when most of them were wearing bikinis ;) Although it was busy, you could tell it was a lot more of a relaxed atmosphere here and before long I was dozing by the pool in my hotel.

Woke up and decided to freshen up and sample the local nightlife. As I was on my own I thought Id practice my Hong Kong trick of getting some beer from the 7-11 and sit on the kurb and booze for a bit. Before long some cute Thai girl with her male friend sat next to me and started chatting. Being the paranoid type I kept myself quite guarded as I didnt want to get done over. It turned out they were safe as houses and just wanted to brush up on her English by chatting to me. Within half an hour she was quite drunk and started crying about how her ex boyfriend cheated on her. Then she confessed that she liked me. Randomly, the guys I had been hanging with in Tokyo and Hong Kong walked by so gave me an excuse to exit into a bar. Still, I gave her a snog (and she scared the hell out of me as she practically bear hugged me and wouldnt let me go!) and she gave me her phone number. Guess what her name was? That's right....'Porn'. Had to try not to laugh as she wrote down her unfortunate name.

Caught up with the guys and they filled me in on how theyd been to a ladyboy bar the previous night and was harrassed by them all. I had only seen one at that point and it was only what I can describe as a rugby player in a blonde wig and makeup. He/She was obvioulsy very recently post-op as he/she had all bruises up his/her throat where he/she'd had their adams apple done. Tits like mini footballs. Ridiculous. Anyway, before long we were boozing nicely and ended up watching a 'show' where bizzarly we watched women play ping pong, darts and write their name with paint.....very entertaining ;) All the while with women round you saying 'I like you' and grabbing you. Uh oh! Think I'm gonna like it here. Also managed to get a record 7 people in a tuk tuk and asked him to do wheelies at the traffic lights for good measure (Ah the great ideas you get when your drunk!) A good night out was had by all and repeated again the next night too.





'Pontypool on a Friday'


Left for Phuket yesterday and had the scariest taxi ride of my life. The crazy bastard was going 120mph bumper to bumper weaving in and out of traffic like a loonie. And all he kept saying was 'Ting Tong'. I was tired and hung over and this was not what I wanted. I decided that Bangkok is a polluted, dirty shithole. As we were driving to the airport I thought it was an overcast day. Realised later it was smog hanging over the entire city! It was a clear day its just you couldnt see the sun. Was like driving through fog. Disgusting. Never seen so many cars on roads. Anyway have got here in Phuket now and will report soon for xmas. Its 29C, sunny and by the beach. Wonder what its like in the UK....;)

Hong Kong

Firstly, a big BOO to the blog! Im writing this for the second time. Lets hope its better.

Hong Kong has been a bit of a crazy place. The protesters have been here since I arrived and until I left. So everytime I leave my guest house the roads are filled with people chanting and a lot of times youll walk down a made road only for it to be blockaded by 100 policemen so you have to go back on yourself! Very annoying. It was mostly peaceful with people shuffling along a few steps then sitting down and putting their heads on the ground. There were a few occasions when it got nasty and loads of protestors attacked the police but they were well propared in all their right gear and beat them back with mace foam. Some guys I was hanging with in the hostel were unfortunate enough to get tear gassed! They were watching some of the protestors from a bridge and the rozzers lobbed in a few cans. When everyone else was running they were wondering what all smoke was before hitting the deck and choking. Was only pure chance that I didnt meet them in the hostel as I would have gone with them.

'When does McDonalds open, Im starving!'

Had some nice observations on Hong Kong. For one, they use bamboo for scaffolding and they build all the way up the side of massive skyscrapers! Doesnt look safe at all but I guess it works. Wandering round youll always run the risk of being surprised by a full lung full of what can only be described as raw sewage. Not want you need when your hung over. All the beggars have a curious way of getting on their hands and knees in the middle of the street and making small bowing movements wringing their hands as if they were in a trance. It can look quite pitiful what with everyone walking round them doing their xmas shopping oblivious to them. Other hightlights included a woman singing in the streets karaoke style on a smal mic and amp with a song list for you to pick out and pay her to sing. Dont know if they had 'Wonderwall' as the list was all in chinese. There were quite a few Koreans flying around at the time what with the protests and I decided that when they speak they sound like the crazy frog. Lots of stange rollings of the tounge, beeps and clicking noises. Quite bizzare. Finally, Hong Kong is absolutley frickin minted! The money flying round this place is obscene. Im told that where designers like Gucci and Prada may have one shop each in London and New York, they have 5 in Hong Kong. I suppose its the financial captial of the world with all the banks so I guess it makes sense. There are shopping malls everywhere. It also gave evidence to my theory that rich people are better looking as when you go out at night all the beautiful men and women were clearly loaded.

'Looks nice until you see the 'leccy bill'

The main place to go for nightlife is a place called Lan Kwai Fong which is a circular street section filled with loads of bars where most of the westeners go. It was always busy what with the build up to xmas and it has hindered most of my sightseeing in Hong Kong as I went out there most nights and didnt get back until 6am which meant I was in bed during the day. At one point I hadnt seen daylight for 4 days! Oh well, much fun was had. It was pretty expensive for booze so we all bought cans from the 7-11 and drank in the street with loads of others until going to the bars later (What a bunch of pikey traveller scumbags!).

'Me and Frank Skinner'

And also, 'Random Uses of English' fans, they have they're own wonderful slant on this. On my wanderings around I managed to get some snaps of places that obviously didnt translate too well (well not to a child like me anyway). Highlights included

'Gaylord Commercial building'

Ladys clothes shops 'Wanko':

and my personal favourite:

Fantastic. Watched King Kong (in Hong Kong, chuckle) which is a quite stupendously over the top and incredible film. Cant even begin to think how they made a film like that. Well its Sunday and all I have is a lovely hangover before my trip to Thailand tomorrow......duh duh DUH!

Causeway Bay, Hong Kong

After a very heavy weekend in Tokyo it was time to leave the land of the rising sun (and I saw quite a few sun rises I can tell you) and head for Hong Kong. I think by the time I got to the airport on Monday morning Id been awake since Friday morning with a total of 5 hours sleep. I was a zombie. It was quite funny to go to the club departure lounge watching all the suits slurp coffee and read their papers, while Im there with bags under the eyes tucking into my thrid bloody mary of the morning. Got on the plane and kept the bloody marys flowing. 30 minutes into Charlie and the Chocloate factory and I was fairly pissed and my body called a time out. I woke up as we landed with headphones halfway round my head. For those of you who have said they were keen to try Japanese food all I can say is that the best meal I had in a month was on the plane to Hong Kong!

Ah Hong Kong. Its quite a relief from Japan to be honest. The food is a lot more normal and everything is in English so its a lot more easier to get about. English is the second language here rather than in Japan where its something thats attempted. My hostel is pretty much slap bang in the middle of all the action. Each morning all the WTO protesters go past our street shouting and whislting. It said on the news that 'Its all a bit of fun and everyones invited to join in'. Ha! Looking at the news reports the Koreans lost the plot and started charging the police until they got the pepper spray out and put them in their place. 'Just a bit of fun'.

So Hong Kong is pretty mentally busy. Lots of bright lights and people bustling around. Its right by the sea so you get some lovely whiffs of sea air now and again. You also get whiffs of intense sewage and some quite horrible cooking too (Ive gagged on 3 occasions walking down the street). Not a great deal to report really. Have been to the peak where a tram takes you up a near vertical track and you get some spectacular views over all the skyscrapers. Went out for some drinks and found a russian bar where they make you put on all these mink coats and then chuck you in a freezer where all you can drink is Vodka. Nice idea but the novelty soon wore off after I could no longer feel my feet. Went to sleep for 17 hours after that night (think I had some catching up to do).

Hopefully off to DisneyWorld at some point and maybe go to the Horse Races as well before Bangkok on Monday. I hear its 28C over there. I hope its warm wherever you are ;)

Random Use Of English

Whilst Ive been here Ive noticed that all over the place the Japanese will use random English words for products or places and such like. However they make absolutely zero sense and can often sound ridiculous. So heres my top 10:

10. "Media Cafe Popeye" (Internet cafe) Had bugger all to do with popeye, no spinnach or olives, I guess they thought theyd put it in for a laugh

9. "Good Coffee Smile" (coffee advert) Not sure whether its an instrcution to smile or whether the coffee was so thick it left you with a coffe smile (like a milk smile) around your chops

8. "Pro Shop New Friend" (Sports shop) A good place to make new friends? I think not

7. "Spunky Gold" (Bar) If mine was gold, Id be a rich, rich man

6. "Hand You" (Estate Agents?) Im guessing they might be trying to say "hand you" the keys. I, having the mind of a 5 year old, read it another way

5. "Tokyo Random Walk" (Book Shop) What!? What?!?! This just makes no sense. None.

4. "Wonder Jew" (Supermarket) For those of you that have questioned my ethnicity due to my beautiful, beautiful nose, then I guess this is where youd find me doing my shopping

3. "Im Lucky! Lets play with me!" Written on the side of a drinks can. Quite a nice chat up line. Must try it sometime.

2. "Please enjoy yourself slowly to the last" (message displayed before the start of an imax movie) I might have expected this is the film I was about to watch was of the more 'rhythmic' kind. However, it was a short film about the international space station. Narrated by Tom Cruise. And now the moment youve been waiting for, the number one random use of english is....

1. "Boat! Beat! Heart! Kyote!" (Advert for, er, Kyote I guess) You can imagine the conversation in the advertising department:

Ad Exec #1: Ok, were advertising our new product Kyote, anyone got any good ideas?

Ad Exec #2: How about getting some random english words and put them before it?

AE#1: I like it, I like it!

AE#2: And we shout each one. Individually.

AE#1: Good good! This is nice. What words shall we use?

AE#2: Boat?

AE#1: Go on....

AE#2: Beat?

AE#1: Yes....yes....

AE#2: Heart?

AE#1: This is hotting up....

AE#2: Kyote?

AE#1: Genius! Absolute Genius! Well get promotions for this.

Japan. Off its head.

A prize for guessing what this is advertising...

Tokyo, Japan

Back in tokyo (Sorry for the long entry). A long (6hour) train ride back from the south island with an annoyingly heavy bag with the added Brucey bonus of a lack of sleep from the night before, a hangover, no real directions of where the guest house im meant to be staying at is, and no reservation. Luck was on my side though and i made it to the hostel albeit with an hour wait in the lounge with a bunch of strangers as the receptionist wasnt home yet. When she arrived, I got a bed. I was booked into the named "Ethnic Room" although I think it should have been called the "Stinks of arse and socks rooms" upon entry.

Got a locker, locked up my shit, took a necessary shit, and caught some winks for a hour or two to get some enegry for a night out. Woke up and took a shower then tried to shave of my 1 month beard with a well worn disposable razor in poor light. 45 mins later i was unrecognisable to people in the hostel id just met. No matter. Went out for a curry (nice to have some familar food for a change) and headed out after some warnings from one guest house occupent about lady boys and hostess girls.

Not sure if anyone reading has tried it, but going out on your own for a pub crawl can be a daunting task. I was getting the feel for it now from my earlier trial runs so I headed for the local area Raponggi (basically a horrocias tourist trap) to try my luck. I found it much more difficult, nay, impossible, to meet other people as most were American or foreign workers in general, sinking a pint or 20 after work, and they were all with co-workers. No backpackers. So I managed to watch the last 10 minutes of a lot of football games that were being shown on the TV.

Man United were playing SL Beneria (or something) that had an interesting number 12 called "Quim". Might have been Quin but made me chuckle anyway (Im not a big follower rememebr football fans). Managed to peruse some local haunts that i had been to previosly in the hope of bumping into people id met when i was last in Tokyo. Only managed to meet a barman who thankfully donated a pack of left over Malborough Lights in exchange for the full strength Marlborughs id been currently smoking (I swear each one of those sent my head spinning so it was a blessed release - wot a lightweight!) and we moaned about the general tourist nature of the place. Having to deal with pissed up westeners in suits that had finsihed work and thought they owned Tokyo. Being only mildy sozzled I could see it clearly and gave me a vague sense of embarssment being a westerner but bore in mind that I had been that person countless times before and would invariable become one again if not tonight. He advised me on some places to go on a Thursday but without direction so after I left I was soon lost and the slow realisation crept up apon me that I was in a kinda red light seedy district and it was time to not rely on the safety that Japan had so far blessed me with. Failed to find any of the recommended establishments so tried my luck and ducked down some side streets. Came across "Tokyo Sports Bar" which seemed retributable enough so plonked myslelf by the bar and ordered a pint of mild.

I had the feeling that something wasnt exactly right when I entetred but proceeded to ignore it. I got my drink and settled back to soak up the atmos. It was around 3am and I statrted to notice that all the women in the bar were more than beautiful, they were stunning. I chatted with the bar tenders and they confirmed this was the place that all the Pros, Hostess' and 'erotic dancers' came after their shift. Hog heaven I thought. But, for every woman there was some guy, or heavy that knew them or was willing to pay for them.

Their company cost money and I was far from it. What with my pasty white skin (thanks to the sudden Japanese winter), my stinking jacket (accompanied with oil stains no due thanks for being rolling about in the back of the Rover with a leaking diesel bottle), my towny shirt with the "Next" label refusing to hide itself regarless of my efforts to conceal it, my, now disgusting, unwashed jeans, with the still faint stain of vomit from the Candian girl weeks previous, and my over-worn scuffed beyond 'Clarks scuff protection' (remenber that as a kid) shoes. That, and my 7.99 Casio watch from Argos that beeped on the hour (I knew I should have brought my fancy one!) I was hardly 'Money'. Needless to say, that as un-feasably beautiful woman after un-feasible beautiful woman walked through the door, not one looked my way and honed in on the far more important-looking, handsome, richer men that I started to feel quite inadequet!

Being a lone, red-blooded young man I began to feel quite frustrated and decieded it would be best to cut my losses and head home. On the whole, I found it harder to meet people when your in a western geared tourist hell hole and youre meant to arrive as a group. I trundled home, inadvertantly following one of the pros, dodging in and out of the miriade of taxis that appeared to be the only vehciles on the street (and at times it was grid locked - 3am). Arrived back at the hostel with 3 Japanese people watching 'Anna and the King', a film I vowed never to watch but after 20 mins it actually looked rather good. Time for bed now, but got people to meet with tomorrow for a good old fashioned Techno rave. Sleep, is not an option....except now. Tata

Fukuoka, Japan

My last day of sight seeing so I thought "sod it" Im going to a bloody theme park and you cant stop me! (The talking to yourself thing is obviously kicking in). So I trundled off to Space World. I little theme park in the middle of no where. It was a very cold day and pretty much empty. Good for getting on all the rides with no queing. However there is something quite sad about an empty theme park, like a little boy whos lost his favourite toy. Anyway, sod that Im on the big massive loop the looper over there!

'Space World!!! Yeah! '

It soon dawned on me that I was the only adult there and everyone else was a school kid. Throughout my travels I have had school girls waving at me and saying "herro" all the time (is that wrong?). I always give a weak "herro" back and try and move on. The theme park was ok but bloody cold when your travelling along at 70mph plus. I think roller coasters and the like are a lot more scary when you arent with someone. Must be a psychological thing to off load your fears by laughing with a companion.

Having nailed most of the rides quite quickly (and been mildy disappointed by all of them) I headed for the massive big wheel. Im not a big one for heights but as I easily conquered all the other rides, plus Id been on the london eye I thought itd be no problem. BIG mistake! I got in my tiny little carriage that was rattling about in the wind and after getting just under a quarter of the way up, I realised I didnt like it, and I wanted off. But there was nothing I could do and the bastard got higher and higher and higher. It must have been quite a pathetic sight to see this lone guy on a massive big wheel, gripping both sides of the carriage for dear life with his eyes closed! managed to take a photo though and the view was pretty impressive.

'Mmmm, nice view. Shame I was bricking it'

'Less of a big wheel, more ridiculously oversized wheel'

After scouting round for more rides I came across one last one I hadnt been on, Alien Encounter. Thought it would be like some mini coaster where you shoot baddies (Like Men In Black ride for those whove been to Universal Studios). Yet agin, BIG mistake. It turned out to be a sort of walk through ghost train. Walking around in near pitch black so youre feeling your way around, sinister music playing and then actual people dressed as aliens jumping out at you from no where. When it first happened I nearly cried. Pure and utter terror. I tried to leave the way I came in but couldnt find it so had to blunder on in the darkeness utterly petrified. I hate the fear of the unknown, thats why Blair Witch fucked me up so much! It was all too much. When I got to the room with corpses hanging down from ropes and realised I had to walk between them it was almost the end for me. "This is it! Im going to die in fricking Space World!". And just to mess you up further as you walk through, the floor is all squidgey and totally freaks you out. I left cursing my damn curiosity. I wish I knew what the Japanese woman said to me before I went in. Probably something along the lines of "You look like a bit of a pussy, your gonna shit one in here I tell thee!"

Back home to Fuk you over, for my last night out there. Looked for an Internet cafe first. There was a massive sign on the side of a building that said in english "Information" and then everything under it is in japanese! Absolutely totally pointless. Cruel bastards.

Around about 11pm, Fukuoka train station turns into tramp central. They are EVERWHERE. Bedding down in their little cardboard castles. It was quite eerie walking through a generally quite station with loads of people coughing and muttering around you behind these cardboard screens. Theyre all quite civilesed though. None are drunk, none are singing or shouting (except one, spoiling it for the rest of them) and none of them beg. Which was a bugger cos I had a shit load of loose change I needed to off load. But because no one begged and I didnt see anyone give them money I hung onto it in case I was about to commit another faux pas.

Off out then for a few cheeky ones. First bar had an intersting system in that you pay for how long you are there but can drink as much as you can. So its 50p for ten minutes. Not bad but the place was dead. Plus it had an fish tank with a big dildo with a dunki on it. Oh, and the bollocks were actually tits. Lovely. Headed upstairs for another bar. Guzzled down a bottle and almost choked when she asked 15 quid for it! Found out it was another pay by the hour but it included cover charge plus first hour. Claimed ignorance and slung her a fiver before leaving. Then found the International Bar that I originally thought was shut down on my first arrival. Turned out to be closed on Sunday. Inside was a very sexy Indian barmaid and a deaf drunk ozzy. Im going to feel at home here. So parked up at the bar and got the drinks flowing. Had fun flirting with the barmaid though I think she flirted with all the punters (heartbreaker!). A cute japanese girl came in and I had a three way converstion with her and the other japanese bartender girl interpreting. She said I was handsome which was nice. I said she was cute or Kawai as they say. Then she left. Ho hum. By 5am I was pretty tippsy but feeling good. Randomly the barman from the very first bar I went to when I first got here on sunday turned up so had chat with him.

'She was better in the flesh trust me, or was I just drunk? '

Hometime came, and the Japanese girl who worked there offered to show me the way home as I was a little lost. However she had a push bike. My eyes lit up! I jumped on and told her to get on the back. I was soon bollocking and weaving through the streets, singing Frank Sinatra, and offering a sincere "Konnichiwa" and a tinkle of her bell to everyone we passed. She was obviously impressed cos she gave me a snog when she left me at the hotel. No night cap though :(

Got about 3 hours kip and got up to catch my train to Tokyo. Yet another Japanese guy stopped me in the station and asked me if I needed any help. Fortunatley I knew exactly where I was going just looked tired and hungover so I joked with him "Yeah, you can carry my bag for me". I dont think he got it.

Kagashima, Japan

Was all fired up for going to the worlds largest (and only?) indoor beach today. Promising a constant tropical 30C temperature inside and warm, unsalted sea, with wave machine. Of course, it was bloody shut until the day after I leave Japan so had to change my plans. So instead I travelled for a total of 10 hours just to have a bath. Well, its a little more than that. Its an Onsen, and outdoor bath using water from natural hot springs. As it was sleeting in Fukuoka and bastard freezing I decided to go for it.

To be honest I was in a pretty miserable mood this morning what with the shitty weather and the disappointment of missing the indoor beach. However Im glad I made it because when I got out of the city and by the sea my mood lifted. It was a small little town and the sun was shining. The Onsen itself was at the base of this volcanic island so had to take a short ferry ride to get there. I think sometimes being in the concrete jungle of a city can get to you. I like to be able to get away and see a bit of greenary or even better, the sea as it completely lifts my mood and makes me feel a lot better.

Got to the Onsen and it was simply beautiful. A wonderful outdoor little pool carved into the rocks overlooking the sea as the sun sets and at perfect bath temperature. Bliss, and worth the trip. Unlike other Onsen, for this one you had to wear a sort of dressing gown or yukkata to wear as the Onsen is sacred and belongs to a dragon lord or something. However as you cant really tie them very tightly, when you slowly manouver and bob your way around the pool, there is a tendancy for the gown to float away from you and reveal your arse and tackle. Which Im sure the old ladies who accompanied me in the pool really enjoyed.

After seeing so many sunrises in Japan it was nice to see my first sunset. The clouds gently smuggled the sun behind them as it fought back by punching out golden arms of light. Being a bit of an old romantic (and not a new romantic) thereve been times when Ive wanted to share moments like this with someone. Oh well, Im sure Ill meet more people in more backpacker friendly countries. Heading back to Fukuoka now to try another random night out.....Im going to end up in Karaoke bar again arent I?

Fukuoka, Japan

Forgot to mention in my last entry that when i went to the Hiroshima mueseam I asked for a guide in Japanese and they gave me a French one! Im obviously doomed to be mistaken for anything but someone from Britain these days!

Headed further west to the island of Kyushu in a city called Fukuoka. The only way I could remember it is by splitting the word into three, "Fuck", "You", "Okay", although I dont think its pronounced like that.

Took the bullet train from Nagoya and it took me about 3 hours to travel 700km. Thats nearly the length of Britain. Amazing. Arrived at 9pm and checked into my box hotel which is like your standard travelodge except the rooms are a quarter of the size. Perfect for what I need though. As there were no real backpacker hostileries I had to go for a hotel which means you dont really meet any other backpackers. So I thought Id head into town for a beer on my own and see what I could find.

Headed for a bar called International Inn which the guide says is full of gaijin (foreigners). Went up to the 4th floor where this bar was meant to be and it had closed down (damn that frickin guide!). So wandered the streets and went into this tiny little bar that had 2 japanese dudes in. Joined them at the bar and sucked on a beer. Had a very broken conversation with them and managed to get across that I come from Wales. "Good at Rugby" I said. "New Zearand" the cocky bastard managed to say back. I left soon after feeling a little dis-heartened that I wouldnt really find anywhere to go.

Walked past two guys who looked Brisitsh on the street and asked them if they knew anywhere to go and they invited me to a party with them for a load of English teachers. Spin forward 5 hours and Im in another Karaoke bar, dressed as a Japanese school girl with a blonde wig, screaming out Micheal Jacksons "Man in the Mirror". Which was also voted the best performance of the night but probably only because the veins in my neck were popping out.

Another 7am finish for a night out and the next day written off. Still, managed to get some laundry done although its impossible to get directions to a laundrette asking for "Raundery". With all the instructions for the washing machines in Japanese it was doubly difficult but managed to get my clothes wet then dry again which will do for now. Finished the day playing a bus driving simulator in the arcade (The worst arcade game Ive ever played) and watching the Brothers Grimm in the cinema which is delightfully dark stuff. Couldnt work out for the life of me why before the adverts came on they played a video footage of a small Greek fishing village with no voice over or text. Just when you Japan cant get any more bonkers itll just hit you with something daft like that. Well done Japan!

Western Honshu, Japan

Have been doing some serious sight seeing this last week. Started off in Hiroshima where the 1st atom bomb in history was dropped. Quite a solom day really. They have one remaining building still standing which is half destroyed as a reminder. The museum goes into graphic detail of why and when the bomb was dropped, the chemical reactions in the bomb, how bombs are made and fired, what happens when it explodes, the effect of its power and after results. Lots of graphic photos of the carnage it left. The whole time re-enforcing the message that Japan does not have any nuclear weapons in its arsenaland that all nuclear weapons should be destroyed. The message really does hit homeas well. Outside the museam they have the flame of peace that contunally burns until all nuclear weapons in the world have been destroyed. Unfortunately I think that the fuel used to burn the flame will run out before that dream is realised and when the fuel runs out it might be the cause of the next nuclear attack in our world. Whoop, little bit of politics there, my name's Ben Elton,good night!!


Next up, hop on a ferry across to a little island called Miyajima. A very attractive quiet little village that has a giant shrine poking out of the water. Very beautiful, chibadee check it:





It also has wild deer that wander around the village (check the photos in the last article!).Spent the night in a nice little Inn and had a 'western' breakfast of scrambled egg and lettuce. Errr, yeah.


The next day I went to another little place which has a hill to climb to get a panoramic view of all the islands around Japan.On the way in the bus it passes a big theme park on top of a hill. The guide book says to avoid the tacky theme park and carry on to the observation point, which I did. The view was fantastic from the observation point but I cant help thinking that I would have preferred the theme park! Me and this guide book Ive got are gonna fall out pretty soon I reckon! Anyway, heres the view:

Made my way back to Ridleys for a bit of Friday night dancing. Cant get used to getting drinks vouchers when entering a club so keep forgetting to use my vouchers. Must get out of that bad habbit. The club was a nice size with an awesome sound system (not too loud and you can hear everything - now theres a novel approach!). The DJ also managed to drop hiphop track Golddigger in the middle of a progressive house set which was ballsy to say the least. The japanese crowd is quite strange as while Im jumping around and whooping like a loon they sort of sway side to side like theyre at a school disco. Maybe they need more encouragement. Met various Japanese DJs and MCs, one of which was called simply 'MC Chin' due to his impressively sized, er, chin.

A top night was had and on the way home some old lady felt up my groin inviting me in for a 'massage'. I politely declined and carried on eating my crisps. Well, it was 7am ferchrisesake and I was ker-nack-ered!!

Photos from Japan

Some of you have left comments suggesting that Im not actually in Japan and living in a bedsit in Slough working for Mcdonalds. Well here are some photos to prove you wrong (I finally worked out how to upload):



The Bedit



Ah, the beautiful Severn Bridge........hang on a minute!



Me, deer


'A deer kiss'

So there you are. Conclusive proof that I am actually in Japan

Observations on Japan

1. When you get on a bus you only pay when you leave not when you get on. So how the hell does the driver remember where each person got on and how much to charge when they get off? I guess the Japanese are an honest bunch so it only raises eyebrows from fair dodging sods like me!

2. Eating in Japan. If youre a fussy eater then youll probably spend your time mostly in mcdonalds as generally thats the only wide spread western eatery. Some dishes are quite bizzare and of some of the weird things Ive tried, Ive definately had to carefully spit them out again. There are english pubs that do stuff like fish and chips but ive tried to avoid them and go japanesey. Oh, and if you cant use chopsticks youre generally buggered too!

3. They love using cartoons in adverts. Although this is quite similar to places in Europe like Spain, this is on a whole other level. Like using a cartoon pigeon to dipict what happens if you try and get in a train carriage when the doors are closing. Also, about 50% of models in poster adverts are westerners bizzarly. However, every advert be it bill board or TV is 100% bonkers mad off its rocker.

4. They love their comics. Loads of people of all ages reading comic books on the trains. and why not I say! No Superman or Batman yet though......

5. Crossing the road in Japan. You can die of old age waiting for pelican crossings to turn to the green man. And they have them at every crossing be it large or small. The funny thing is none of the Japanese like jaywalking. It could be the quitest road with no one around and they will wait for the green man. Im just crossing when its safe, sod the lights whih is quite funny when youve literally got about 100 people waiting either side of the road and your this stupid westerner crossing on a red light. Im soo naughty.

6. Subways have women only carriages in the morning rush hour. Groping of women is THAT much of a problem at rush hour.

7. There are 2 types of toilets in Japan. Japanese style which is basically squatting over a hole and western style which is same as back home. However, they have added a Japanese twist which includes in built radios, seat heater (bliss) and water spray and air dry. Theyre superb and I want one whenI get back home. What I dont get is that once youve tried the modern deluxe one, who in their right mind would want to go back to squatting?

8. The people over here are ridiculosly friendly and helpful. As i explained in the last entry this guy walked me to my hostel. It happened again the other day when some old guy started chatting to me on the tube. I said I was looking for a hotel and hoped I found one asit was getting late. HE basically gave me his phone number and said I could stay at his house if i didnt! Id only been speaking to him for 5 minutes!

9. They cycle on the pavement. And boy do some of them bollock along! And they rarely ring their bell so walking the streets can sometimes be very hazardous.

10. Hardly anyone locks up their bikes. This can be problematic when walking home drunk when your lost. The temptation can be overwhelming. I havent sucombed to it yet.......

11. Subways often smell of sewage. Not what you want when your travelling first thing in the morning and the whole platform smells of farts

12. Bad teeth. I always thought it was the British that were known for bad teeth. You should see some of the goofy crocodiles out here.

13. Lots of brail everywhere. Even on top of beer cans. So you can find it with your eyes closed. Great

14. All people handing out annoying fliers and freebies outside shops have to wear illuminous jackets so you can spot them a mile off and avoid.

15. All books and magazines are back to front. Our back cover is their front cover and they read backwards. Just for the hell of it

16. Everytime a train conductor enters and leaves a carriage he bows and gives a little speech. Which absolutely no one takes any notice of.

17. Trains are so punctual its frightning. Every train Ive caught has arrived and left on the exact minute it says on the ticket. Seems like only a distant dream for all you BR commuters out there.....

18. When a train arrives at and leaves a station a little cheesy muzak ditty is played. How nice.

19. Hardly any graffiti out here.

20. All mobile phones are off the flip open type. I thought they would prefer nice small dinky ones. And just to make them more combasome they attach loads of key rings and key fobs , some are as large as the phone itself!

21. The Japanese will eat anything. Including their own pooh. Nah, I made that one up.

Sat Dec 3, 2005 8:11 pm