Siem Reap, Cambodia

"We've gotta get up for 7am tomorrow, best get an early night". Famous last words. After hitting the hay at 4am after many GnT's (Apparently its good for repelling mossies. Its also a great excuse) the 7am start was lush. So on we pile onto the bus ready for our 12 hour trip of hell into Cambodia. All things were good until you get to the border. A good 2 hours of hanging about filling in forms and being transported from various waiting areas we get stuffed into our 'new' bus which resembles a clapped out 70's mini bus. Our guide informs us of the good news that the air conditioning isnt working today and the roads ahead arent what you are used to back home. No sh*t. Its potholes galore and bridges barely wide enough for us to get through. You cant sleep because any bump will crack your head against the window. You cant listen to music as the noise from being jarred about overpowers the full volume on your walkman. You cant read as your bouncing around so much you cant focus on a word. This went on for about 6 hours. The bus over-heated at one point resulting in an un-wanted 20min stop. However, perseverence saw it through and we arrived at a guest house at 10pm, that EVERYONE on the bus checked into as they were all so shattered and were willing to stay anywhere. Turns out the rooms were great with air con, hot showers and 60 channels of cable (yes!).



Cambodia is certainly a step down from Thailand. Its a lot poorer here but as a result the locals are all amazing friendly wanting to talk to you and get to know you. There are some bizarre parallels of families and children living in the street where up the road there are a load of 5 star super deluxe hotels at $1000 a night. Theres no immediate business centers or offices around so I cant imagine who would stay there.



The roads are carnage. Get in your vehicle and drive. Dodge the other traffic. That seems to be the way. It works but its pretty mad being on the back of moped while your taxi driver whizzes in between 100s of other mopeds.

'Me and my driver, Ing'



Siem Reap is the place to go for all the temples. A tourist tax price of $20 is needed to enter first though. The temples are very impressive and beautiful.
'Ankor wha?'



Went to the one where they filmed Tomb Raider which was pretty cool. However, getting hassled to eat somewhere or buy postcards or bracelets goes to the next level. Swarms of adorable little children will plague you wherever you go asking you for a dollar to buy these things. There is desperation here big time. Little 4 year old kiddies with amazing English asking your name and where you're from. You buy stuff at first but you cant do it all day. It really does wear you down after a while. Going for lunch theres a long line of outdoor cafes and as soon as you approach about 6 different women will all shout at you at once "You want something to eat mister!!?!". Nearly lost the plot and had to run out in case I screamed! Carnage.

'Our guides. We got lost'



Back from the temples there's a nice little strip to go out for food and drinks. Being in one of the cheapest places Ive been to yet I have no idea how I managed to get a curry for $15 when most main meals around here cost about $3. Still, its nice to sit back and relax after a long days touring with a few GnTs. But it does come at a price.



This is where all the toursits go and the street kids know it. Poor little blighters coming up to you outside bars, some as young as 3, some missing limbs (Its land mine central out here) asking for money. Each sip of your drink tastes sour knowing that its costing more than they have. One of the girls we're with, Rachael, gave this little girl a few dollars and her purse to put it in. Unfortunately, this made her a target to the other kids and she found her later on in the middle of the road crying on her own. One of the other kids had stamped on her legs and stole it off her.



It was really touching to see Rachael cuddling this little kid on the side of the road wiping away her tears. I was about to get a photo when, in an ironic twist, from out of nowhere a ginourmous Mercedes parked in front of her blocking my shot. The rich blocking out the poor it seemed. Obviously the shot was not meant to be taken. Rachael managed to get her smiling again though:



'She's OK!!'



Enough of the gloom. Im here in Phnom Penh now (another grueling 6 hour bus journey) and tomorrow we're off to an Orphanage to feed the kiddies and help out. Should be great. Then off to see the Killing Fields and S21. Should not be great. Im glad Im here though doing something different and getting some experiences. However I've had enough bus journey 'experiences' for a life time so Ill be paying extra and flying back to Bangkok!



Big Love, blog fans.

Pai, Thailand

I left you last time on the brink of more impending doom about to embark on a 100 mile moped trek. However, it all turned out ok and I now have a re-newed love for mopeds. We set off as a nice little convoy of me and Holmer with these cool Canadian guys we'd met the night previously.



'Éasy Riders, although not an easy ride'


Things went well until the first major turning when the lovely Lori driving in front of me hit a huge rock in the road just as we were coming to a stop and toppled and skidded along the road. As we were all in shorts and T's she got some nasty grazes. It was a good job we all had helmets on as, in her words, she 'totally smoked' her head. Lovely lingo that. So we sat on the side of the road an patched her up. She didnt complain though and took it really well so we were off again in no time.


The following road was immense. The sort of road they use to test drive cars on Top Gear. A huge mountain filled with tight chicanes. The thing is though, I loved it. It was great fun. Got my confidence up and I was soon leaning through all the corners, finding the racing line and hitting speeds of 80mph. Mopeds rock.


After 6 hours, and a few stops to rest our numb asses, we arrived in the happy hippy village of Pai. Managed to book into a sweet resort that had warm showers, cable TV and a fridge. And a good price. Sweet.





'A nice slice of pai'


Pai, is an extremely chilled out place where you wander around relaxingin cafes and watching films and have quiet drinks (well, a skinful really). Its the sort of place where if you stay too long (and I can see how easily that can happen) you'd end up with dreaded hair, a long beard and some generous tatoos. Luckily I resisted all, although the thought of getting a tatoo is still lodged in my brain. Lets see if I return to the UK without one is it?

Not a great deal to report in Pai as it was mostly spent "chillaxing" (a word the canadians gave me which is only used by geeks, ha) with everyone. Did have an interesting evening watching Little Britain with the Canadians, having to translate most of the sketches. Didnt realise how British it actually was. Bloody hilarious though and nice to touch base with some British TV for a change!


The journey home was uneventful and equally as pleasant as the journey there. Got a bit mental going back into the main city center of Chaing Mai as there appear to be zero road regulations and just a free for all weaving in and out of the traffic. Survived and flew back to Bangkok. Well, missed the flight and had to book one for the next day so we....thats right, got drunk and went the next day.


Back in Bangkok to meet with two girls that Holmesy had met in South America previously in his travels. We all got on great and decided to bugger off to Cambodia the next day. By bus. For 12 hours. On the worst roads in the world. Here we go again.....

Chaing Mai, Thailand

Travelling. Its great, dont get me wrong, but the actual travelling, physical transportation of yourself from A to B, can be a tedious ball ache sometimes. With a heavy heart I left the beautiful Koh Tao to head away from the beaches (sob) inland to Chaing Mai. And how. I wont go into the boring specifcs but Ive achieved a record for travelling from one place to another. 36 hours later, including ferries, trains, buses, planes and taxis, we arrived at our destination. Something went badly wrong in the planning there.

After a quick rummage in the airports copy of Lonely Planet (my 'Muff' Guide to Thailand only covers the beaches...doh) we managed to secure our 'backpackers haven' for accomodation. 3 pound (between 3 of us) a night for 3 single beds wedged together and a cold shower. Sweet. I have now mastered how to take a cold shower without having a mild cardiac arrest each time. Trick is to do a limb at a time and take a deep breath when showering your chest. Havent had a hot shower in about 2 weeks now. Might sneek off for a cheeky night at the mighty Shearaton they have here. The Princess of Thailand is staying here and a room is about 40 pounds a night. Youd still only just about get a Travelodge room back home for that! Just one night of comfort, please!

Comfort. I'll get back to that later.

Chaing Mai then. A slightly more mellow Bangkok is how I would describe it. Generally the atmosphere is quite chilled. One of the big things here is the night markets. A long street with endless stores selling everything and anything. Lets just say If someone working for piracy control came here they'd have a fit. Gave in and bought a whole heap of crap and prezzies though.

Nightlife isnt as hectic out here from what Ive seen and a little more laid back. Its more restaraunts (still cant bloody spell it) than bars but managed to find a cool place that had a Muai Thai boxing ring in the middle and pool tables round the edge so you can shoot pool and watch some fun, if not amaturish, Thai boxing. Thought I was going to have a delightful moment of irony when I saw the beer cozzie (little slips they put round the bottles to keep them cool) that had a picture of two guys Thai boxing and the words 'Peac'. I thought wouldnt it be ironic if it had 2 people fighting and the words 'Peace' on the back. However as I turned it around it said 'Peacock' rather than peace which just made no sense. Thought it might have been a contender for 'Random Uses Of English' but then I realised I was actually drinking at the 'Peacock' bar so felt like a prat instead. This all went on inside my head without saying anything to anyone so you can see what an exciting place my mind can be at times. You should come visit. Also managed to squeeze in some crazy golf in the day, that got almost aggresively competative when it was decided the loser would buy lunch, all of about 3 pounds.

'par 3, dog leg to the left, ball rolls back to tee if you fuck it up'

'When they say crazy, they mean KER-RAY-ZY'

Advertised as 'Around the World in 18 holes' (quiet at the back!), it had 3 holes devoted to the USA, Canada had an iglolo and penguins and there wasnt a single whole for the UK. Wonder who designed it. Anyway, Chaing Mai Same Same, but different....as we shall see.

Getting back to comfort. I remember when I left for my trip, one of my reasons was to leave my 'comfort zone' where everything is familiar and safe. Having spent the last 48 hours being in some form and various levels of discomfort, be it nursing blisters, gasping for breath, sleeping in shanty towns, having a wet arse, or having a loaded crossbow waved in my face by a drunken, stoned group member, I now appreciate my comfort a hell of a lot more. Yes, Chaing Mai is the place to go to do a Jungle Trek which is what I have just been on. Finally something vaguely un-touristy, that doesnt involve alcohol (well actually it did) and an experience to remember. I was recommended a 3 day one but, thank god, I did a 2 day trek. They dont have any warnings when booking that it requires having some degree of fitness so me and Holmsey were in for quite a shock. I was relatively fit 6 months ago going down the gym an' tha' but its amazing what 6 months of smoking and drinking and no exercise will do to the body.

It started off badly. We thought we had packed everything except for a copy of our passports and the money to pay for the rest of the trip. So I had to sign my soul away crudely on a receipt saying "I promise to pay you back when we get back". Also, not having a copy of our passports meant that if something went tits up, no one would no where we were. Lets go! Crammed into the back of a wagon we travelled to the long neck tribe. The ones where they put rings around their necks from an early age to strech it out. To be honest, when the tour was advertised the trip ironically as "100% non-tourist" (you have to go to an english speaking travel agents to book it fer-crize-sake), this was a pretty grim start. It was kinda like a human zoo. We walk around these peoples villages, while they sit there weaving cotton or what have you, while a guide stands smiling and points at them saying "Look, long neck" with a load of rich westeners with cameras pointing at their face. "Yes, thanks drive, I can see she has a long neck, any chance you could preserve some of her dignity and not make me look like such tourist arse?". Was kinda obliged into having a photo taking with her so:

'Me, "Turbo Neck" and Holmer'

And some more of the village for good measure.

'Is there a 7 eleven around here?'

After a bit of curry and rice for lunch, it was time to start to start trekking. Crammed into an even smaller pickup, this time with no seats so sitting on a wheel arch, for 40 minutes up and down roads where at times I looked and thought "There's no way this wagon is gonna get up there", we got dropped off at the start of our trek at the bottom of some mountains. As the wagon left we could see that the tires were completely bald. Fairplay to the Toyota though, it got us there. And so it began, 5 hours of not-stop, up-hill walking through jungle:

'Junlge, is indeed, massive'

Across rivers and streams:

'Thank god for Gortex'

And up the mountains:

'I'm lying, I'm hiding in Wales really'

First river to cross after 5 minutes of trekking and got my foot right in there so that was a nice start. We walked up to about 3500 meters and it was non-stop up hill slog. To be fair, me and Holmer set a fair pace and we managed to hold it all the way to the top and were the second to arrive at the village even though we weren't a pretty site by the end:

'Blegh!'

'ugh'

There were a group of Hungarian lads behind us but they kept stopping for fag breaks and to drink whiskey so no wonder we arrived about 45 mins before them. The village was a proper shanty town with people living their basic, but happy lives. They obviously got a bit on the side by openning a hut for foreign trekkers to stay at and a little shop selling what us tourists need (fags, booze and sweets of course) other than that it was very simple life for these friendly folk. Lots of pigs, chickens, dogs, cats and children running chaoticly around the place. This was travelling proper style. We all stayed in one hut on the floor with a mozzie net. Toilets were of the squatting type but luckily from my Glastonbury experiences Ive mastered the art of holding in a number 2 until decent toilets are in the vacinity. As soon as we arrived at the village, thorougly exhausted, we craked the fags and beer open and it tasted so good. We had deserved it.

'Ah, San Diago. Drink it in, always goes down good!'

The evening was spent boozing with the rest of the group outside our hut on some decking. We all tried some of the Hungarian guys homemade Moonshine and it was pretty much pure ethonol. This was proved later in the evening when one of the guys who was being persuaded to try some, threw it on the fire and a massive blue fireball went up in the air. "Hmmm, Ive just drunk that" was what most people must have said to themselves. It wasnt long until the local 'bush' was produced and we all enjoyed a good smoke.

'There's only tabacoo in this, right?'

It was tingled slightly, as I hinted at earlier, when one of them got out their wooden crossbow and started firing at things. It was all funny until the actual arrow went in the bow and then you suddenly realise that this is a loaded, lethal weapon, in the hands of a drunken, stoned, idiot whos waving it around and pointing it at you and I could quiet easily have a fatal accident here. Luckily, some light diplomacy and distraction techniques managed to get him to put it away. Hit the hay and had the annoyance of needing a p*ss in the middle of the night in the pitch black with loads of bodies everywhere and having to stumble down rickady old steps. The various farmyard animals had started chirping at a ramping volume and frequency by then so I didnt get any further sleep from 5am onwards. So I was simply delighted when at 8am we were off on the second part of our trip for another straight 5 hour trek. Im so glad I got nailed the previous night and had little sleep. However, grumbling is for losers, so head down we got on with it and reached the bottom in about 4 hours as we went at a pace. To reward myself for reaching the bottom successfully, I decided to crack my head on a low beam under one of the shelters which put me flat on my back. Holmer managed a faint whimper of a laugh but was too knackered to p*ss himself. Onwards (by truck thank god) to more elephant trekking. This time it was a lot more gentle and relaxing although the poor beast kept getting smashed on the skull with an ice pick by drive when he kept going the wrong way. Not a big fan of elephant trekking me. Then, some rafting, which was a lot more tame than last time, although we did nearly have an identical capsizing moment. And lastly, bamboo rafting which was so sh*t it was funny. You sit on this crappy little raft and it basically sinks. So you sit there, in very cold water, while drive tries to steer. Drive fell in fairly soon so it was up to us to steer this thing. Managed to get it wedged on a bit shore and it was just a big sharade. Very funny though as it was all so lame. Then, right before we're heading back, I catch my toenail on a bamboo raft and nearly ripped the fecker off. Ow. The ride back seemed to go on forever which was made all the more better having an A-typical classic yank in the back banging on about eating food (he was 20 odd stone after all and I imagine the jungle food had done nothing for his appetite). So riding back, being promised its only 10 mins away about 10 times, I sat there in a semi-concious state knowing that when I get back Id foolishly promised to DJ at the Roof Top Bar for 5 hours.

Tired wasnt the word for it.

Still, turned out good as these things have a habbit of doing. Only DJ'd for 3 hours (I could have gone the distance but was glad for the break), people enjoyed the music, said the DJ after me wasnt as good and enjoyed a mild success rate as you only can do when DJing in these little bars. Joined Holmer (Who boo'd me and gave much thumbs down gestures the whole time I was playing - hmmm, I wonder who else has done that before) who'd started chatting to these Candian guys. Unfortunately we'd watched 'Deuce Bigalow - European Gigalow' on one of the ferry crossings so the line 'I'M FROM CANADA!! AND I'M WASTED!!' came out pretty soon (watch the film to see what I mean) which they took with good spirits. One of the guys looks very similar to Mystical from the Goldie Lookin Chain. He was with his fiance who had her rather tastey sister with her (yes, she is in my sights). Holmsey had 3 hours drinking on top of me whilst I was DJing so his wonderful grunting slur started to come out soon (he basically starts to sound like a heavily sedated pshyciatric patient when pissed) which I think went in my advantage with the ladies by putting them off him slightly. Ahaa!

I shouldnt be sitting here now typing this as I was meant to be catching a bus to the next place, Pai. 'Bus!' I hear you cry! Whats the point of getting a bus when you can hire a moped and do a road trip there. Oh god, another 'brilliant' idea has been hatched. Just hope Ive packed me rabbits foot.....

Stay safe blog fans.

Koh Tao, Thailand

This has to be the most god awful hell hole in the whole entire planet. I mean look

The entrance to our hotel is vile:

the accomodation is simply revolting,

the beaches are utterly filthy,

the sunsets are an insult,

there's no where to sit and relax,

the nightlife is pathetic,

and the least said about my office the better,

For all you Blackadder fans out there, "Can I come in for a gloat?".

Yes, you can probably tell from my audaciously sarcastic intro that I am a "heartless gloater" and this place, for want of a more intellectual description, is fucking lush.

The most relaxing , chilled and best place Ive been to so far on my travels. Its got everything just right. Familar things to buy and eat yet not overdone in anyway. Our accomodation is basic with only a fan, cold showers and you have the flush the toilet with a bucket of water and ladle, but for 3 pound a night you really cant complain! Im only in there to change or sleep anyway as Ive been living on the beach.

Compared to Ko Samui, all the beach sellers have turned into dogs. They're everywhere, yapping and biting and shagging each other. Its a good job Im a real dog lover isnt it??? Well, if they ever run out of fresh meat on the island......However I did see a dog wearing a swimming costume today so he got my respect. More dog stories to come.

So Koh Tao is diving central. Luckily I got my open water Padi license last year in Egypt (and lost it on a drinks binge in Texas, but thats another story) so I was all geared to go. I thought Id go for a test snorkling first by swimming out from the beach to see what I could see. Then I remembered why I dont like diving. Firstly having a regulator or snorkle in my mouth for more than 5 mins gives me agonising jaw ache (thanks to a facial injury I inncurred a few years ago). Breathing in through it dries your mouth out a treat. But mostly, you're looking down there at all the 'nice fishes' and you have absolutely no idea what they are or when their gonna kill you. I know as much about fishing as I do about fision, but I know there are things down there can make you come a cropper sharpish! So as Im tentativley swimming about looking at lame coral (I was only a few metres out to sea folks) and the fishes are getting bigger and bigger. I'm getting increasingly uneasey as I have no one with me to point out whats what then I accidentally bumped into one of the ropes that was holding the boats to the shore. My God. There was nearly another little brown fish floating down there after that I tell you! Scared the hell out of me! Got back to shore pretty sharpish after that.

Sorry dive fans, I know it can be beautiful and amazing and you probably disagree with what I say but I guess its just not for me. Bit of a shame when you're on 'dive island'. As my mate said, you may as well just stick your head in a fish tank, at least you know whats in there! However it hasnt stop me doing diving of the 'other' kind if you know what I mean ;)

The basic form of each day here is get up (in the AM, crazy I know), hit the beach, Su Doko it up to the max, DJ at the bar for about 2 hours, sit and watch the sunset, get some quality food and watch a film or two at Choppers bar, then back to the beach for buckets and dancing. I can see how people get stuck here. Met a bloke just now said hes been here for 6 months.

Right, this bit might go on a bit but bare with me. I dont know if anyone reading this likes to read meaning into things but this is what I call my stange tale of 'duality'.

Went out and tried to chat up this South African girl outside a beach bar. It was going ok except that she was cradling a little puppy that had just been bitten by another dog so he was getting all the attention from her. It would seem the dog was cuter than me (impossible, I know). He thwarted my plans. Anyway off to a club and the first track we hear is 'Insommnia' by Faithless. Some more fannying around then I spot these girls I was about to hone in on. From out of no where, literally, this ozzy guy pops up in front of me and starts jabbering away about some bollocks I really couldnt understand. By the time he'd gone, the girls had already been honed in on by some other bloke. Her friend was on her own though so I moved round to chat to her. Things were going well then she, and her friend, both left with this one bloke. And he was about 50. Bugger I thought. Then, again, as if by magic (Mr Ben style), the ozzy bloke appeared again from no where and jabbered some more inane bollocks to me (This is where the duality bit starts to come in, he was there at the start, there at the end). It would appear he had thwarted my plans by stopping me getting there with the girls in time. Hometime. Great idea we'll sleep on a bench by the pool and catch the morning sun. We doused down in mozzie spary, got a towel and hit the benches. I didnt sleep a single wink (Remember 'Insomnia' was the track I first heard in the club). And the reason I couldnt sleep because there was a dog sitting next to me growling all night at the other dogs. It was the cute puppy that had thwarted my plans earlier, and now this dog was thwarting my plans for sleep. So you see 3 seperate yet paired events of thwarting my plans. Too much thwarting for one day. It could have meaning. Maybe it was just a bad day. Oh well.

Sorry, that was a bit of a long-winded and maybe one of my more boring bit of prose but needed to get it off my chest.

Right, so having not slept, and this is where I left the last entry we hire mopeds. Ive never been on a motorbike before, was a little hung over, and hadnt slept. This was a magnificent idea. I was the only person on the island wearing a helmet. With my shades on I looked like the copper from the village people. So as I wobbled around nearly crashing into ditches and hedges you can imagine I was a sight of pure hilarity. So what do we do. Adventure. Going down 'roads' which are just all over the shop with pot holes and rocks and go up at ridiculously steep inclines. I got my bike stuck on a rock and spent 5 minutes trying to shift the thing. Motorbikes are a lot heavy than push bikes plus I had bugger all energy so it was so wonderfully degrading having my mate piss themselves watching me trying to shift this thing off. It was a brand new bike as well. Had 7Km on the clock. Took it back and they saw the scratches and charged me 9 quid. Feckers. And that was the last time Ill ever ride a motorbike. Im far better in cars.

I have also had a monumentally catasrophic disaster as well. No I havent lost my passport. I plugged my MP3 player with 14GB of music, that took me weeks to burn on there, into a USB1 port (sorry to get technical) and it bloody well crashed it. I can no longer use it. My musics on there it just wont play. Checked the forums and they say 'Send it back to Sony'. Oh great. My address changes every week. May as well find the next Sony shop in NZ and throw the damn thing through the window! I couldve cried when it happened. Sony NW HD5. Take caution if youre thinking of getting one.

Missed the full moon party on Ko Pha Ngan but I dont care. New Years was enough and Ive been to plenty better parties since then anyway, so there!

Sadly Im leaving here tomorrow to go to Pai or Chang Mai, or something. I dunno. I will DEFINATELY be back here though.

Right, I'm off for food and movies.

Keep it tight blog fans.

Ko Samui, Thailand

Before I arrived here I asked someone what it was like; "Tenerife in Thailand" was the answer. "Oh bollocks" was the resposnse.

Im being unfair. Tenerife, like every country has beautiful and ugly places. I however, have frequented the uglier parts of Tenerife all too many times. Specifically, Playa de las Americas and all the tourist hell that goes with it.

On a personal, and more reflective note, I feel that Im not your classic backpacker. Im too used to having familiar surroundings. As a result I tend to bend towards the more touristy and westernised areas of all the places Ive been to so far. Ive heard tales from friends whove trekked up mountains in the Himalayas staying in log cabins with only the floor to lie on and getting halucinations from altitude sickness. The only sickness Im getting is from drinking too much imported british alcohol. Maybe as this is my first time travelling, Im still sticking to what I know and not venturing too far out of familiarity. Ive been telling myself I will come travlelling again later in life but do it properly. I dunno. Im beating myself up about this whole point and Id be interested to hear from any of you lot whove been travelling and have experienced similar thoughts.

I stayed in the tourist nightmare of central Chaweng (Shhhheeeewing, Waynes World fans). A little appartment wedged between the beach and the main road with all the shops on. This road had pretty much everything on it from Burger Kings and Pizza Huts, to Seven 11s and Pharmacies, to ENDLESS lines of Indian tailors and all the rest of the shops sellling fake clothes, DVDs, music CDs and anything else you can imagine that can be forged. If you're foolish enough to walk it during the day you will

A. Sweat a lot as the heat seems to nuzzle in there,
B. Smell sewage or exauhst fumes 90% of the time and
C. Get harranged and hassled to buy every kind of shit that you dont need from every shop.

So, you lie on the beach to escape. But no. Every 2 minutes (and it really is literally every 2 minutes) you'll get the beach touts selling you more crap from wooden elephants to sunglasses and wristbands. Even if you're lying there WEARING sunglasses, the silly bastards with only sunglasses to sell will still ask you if you want to buy some fricking sunglasses! I only get tempted by the guys selling lollypops but god help you if you look interested in buying things as all the other touts will see you're a spender and home in on you. There is a reason for all this mad selling of course. The place is full of British and European tourists. They have tried to adapt western culture and re-sell it to us in a, what I found, quite sad and desperate way. And by British tourist I mostly mean tatooed up chavs. And by European tourist I mean lots of beautiful Swiss girls (for me, one of Ko Samuis more re-deeming features ;) ). Im sure you all read about the poor girl from Cardiff that got raped and murdered here on Boxing day. Yup thats where I was staying. A nice place then. I am being harsh on Ko Samui as I stayed in the worst part. There are more beautiful parts, but unfortunatelty I didnt haul my ass to see any of them.

Enough waffle! What did I get up to in Ko Samui I can all hear you say. The unfortunate answer, and probably the reason behind my opening paragraphs is, not a lot. The truth is I got trapped in a heavy drinking funk. The nightlife is lively so it was yet again a case of, get up (if possible), eat (if possible), then drink (somehow always possible). You might start to notice some pattern to my blog entries of late. So its only tales of drunken shenanigans again Im afraid.

The highlight being this one: After a heavy night which finnished roughly at 3am for me (I dont really remember going home) I was awoken at 7am by Holmesy (him again), eyes rolling, very excited, beckoning me to the beach. I, very be-grudginly, followed and met his new 'friends'. We basically started drinking again and dancing to dance music blaring out of one of the beach bars. By 12pm Id had it and needed kip, Holmsey decided to stay on (where had he got all this energy from....hmmm ;) ). I was awoken again, this time at 7pm, by Sparkys voice outside shouting "Homlsey! What number do you live at!?!?". I jumped out to wave him in my direction to find a completely anihilated Homlesy incable of anything being carried up the road by Sparky and Docker. They dragged him up to where me and him were staying where he proceded to collapse onto the toilet, smashing it to pieces, and make water piss everywhere. You can imagine the scene of a completelty blotto pal, lying on broken ceramics in a bathroom with water churning onto his head as rather amusing. So playing mum, I picked him up (he first managed to piss all over the bathroom floor) and chuck him on his bed and get the hotel staff to stop the flooding.

I left as soon as it was fixed.

So, I was out, again, on my own contemplating how to spend another night. After roughly 4 weeks of going out and drinking pretty much every night you can imagine I was starting to get slightly bored. But hey. I decided to sit on the beach, get a bucket, and let fate deal me some cards. And what a deal! I was chilling for a few minutes when this couple asked if they could sit on the seats by me. We got chatting and got on really well. Then it turned out I was about to have yet another celebrity (ish) moment. The guy from the couple was a film director! He'd done music videos for Missy Elliot, he directed that Citreon advert (the one with the transformer car dancing) and had just finished on a short film that he wrote starring Gary Oldman and David Soul (who he added was an absolute pain the arse to work with!). So there we go. We proceded to go out to an AWESOME nightclub on the beach and dance the night, and early morning, away to Brandon Block. A great time, and a great couple. We exchanged numbers and will no doubt meet again.

Thats it really for Ko Samui. Felt obliged to do a blog entry but I could just have easily not have bothered. I'm now on Ko Tao. A small remote island north of Ko Pha Ngan. Ive finally found paradise. This place is so chilled, not that touristy and just what I need. Its probably why Ive looked on Ko Samui so badly. Right! Ive been up all night and its now 2pm and Im about to hire a moped. Uh-oh.......

Ko Pha Ngan, Thailand

This ones gonna be a tough entry as the last week has been a bit of a blur.

'The journey to the island, ah'

So, Ko Pha Ngan (pronounced 'Ko Pang Yang') is an international party island renownd around the world as a center for beach raves. Home of the Full Moon Parties (everyone raves all night on the beach under a full moon), the Half Moon Parties (everyone raves all night on the beach under a half moon) and the Black Moon Party (everyone raves all night on the beach under er....no moon). The original was the Full Moon and started way back in 1678 by Phillius Fogg. I lie. It was started by some ravers outside the Paradise Bungalows one night in 1989 or something and grew and grew each year until today where you get like 20,000 people from around the world descend to the beach every month.

I wasnt there for any Mooning parties (guffaw) but was there for New Years which is equally as mental. I was based at Hat Rin which where all the main parties and clubs are. Was difficult for some people to get a place to stay as there were so many people going there for New Years. Sensibly we arrived a few days early and had booked in advance. Trouble was the room only had a double bed and I was sharing with Holmsey. Luckily there was a futon in the corner so he had that.

It was busy busy busy with people of every nationality buzzing around the main streets. The roads were hopeless with potholes everywhere and rocks lying around. However that didnt stop dozens of people whizzing around on motorbikes dodging in and out of the people. It was annoyingly ridiculous as everytime you go ANYWHERE you have to constantly dodge people on frickin mopeds. Surprised nobody got run over. You do see LOADS of people with motorbike injuries though. They even call it a 'Ko Pha Ngan Tatoo'. Once saw a group of four 6 year old thai kids all on one bike. Ridiculous. For me Thailand is backwards. In some respects it has no rules with things like road safety, counterfeit goods, prostitution, stray animals, animal cruelty but if you do something like say anything bad about the King it can get you a prison sentence! Imagine that back home, they'd have to build more prisons!

Enough ranting, thats why Im travelling, to experience hows it done elsewhere. Back to Pha Ngan. There are numerous ways to get yourself 'juiced' for a night out here. The most popular, and those readin this who've already been to Thailand are probably nodding their head anticipating what Im about to say, are buckets. A smallish bucket filled with ice, half a bottle of spirit, and lots of crazy energy drink with dubiously high amphetamine content. A few of them and you go doo-lally until morning. Heres a typical night on the beach in picture format

Step 1: Drink Bucket

Step 2: Watch crazy local Thai guys spin fire around with wreckless abandon

Step 3: Do stupid things you wouldnt normally do (can you believe this guy is a fireman back home)

Step 4: Dont pass out and let your mates do you over

Step 5: Spend 3 hours trying to find where you live on the way home

Lots of other things happen and crazy things go on but as I said it was a bit of a blur and I didnt take my camera out much in fear of losing it.

The music from the clubs on the beaches was a grim (in my humbled opinion) selection of indie pop, RnB, psy tranceand drum and bass with the latter 2 being the most barable and danceable after a few buckets. I did manage to find some bars that played some proper music (House) and hassled them for DJ gigs. Managed to play in 4 different bar/clubs which people enjoyed so good news there. One night I did a 4 hour set at one place then trotted off to do another 3 hour set somewhere else! Impressed myself. Almost like a full days work. Hmmm, 'work' not heard that word in a while yuk yuk!

New Years Eve was a blur. Arrived on beach, was vaguely aware of some fireworks going off somewhere, looked at my watch it was 12:40 (shit, missed it). Smooched with a cutie whilst paddling then she had to leave to catch the last ferry home. The next thing I know its 830, the suns blazing and Im raving to some psy trance with a lot of strange zombified people. Bedtime methinks. Happy New Year! Holmsey managed to top the bill by letting me shave him a mohawk then cover his entire body in blue day-glo paint and go dressed as a smurf.

'And in the red corner...'

I hope all your New Years was as memorable (or not) as mine. New Years resolution is to quit smoking. But only when I get back home. So not til the end of the year then. Well at 80p a packet everyone should be smoking!

Until the next time blog fans!