Laos

I am now a proper traveller. From Ko Lanta where I left off, to Laos maybe a long way, but its only a simple hop and a skip in a plane. However. Only the hardcore would take 3 days to do it by bus. It began with a 12 hour (actually its nearer 14. Time, punctuality and general efficiency is a only a vague consideration in these parts) overnight journey to Bangkok. I decided to drink a bottle of rum to help me sleep. This however did not work and instead kept me awake jabbering to the couple behind me doing frog impressions much to the annoyance of fellow dozing passengers (these things happen). It turned out that the girl of the couple is a dancer for music videos (check out the long haired blonde girl with sunnies in the Arron Smith dance video 'dancin' - lovely). So a bleary arrival at Bangkok at 7am with 10 hours to kill before the next journey consisted of booking a room (prison cell) for the day for a bit of shut eye which was near impossible due to the multitude of cockrals, dogs and shouting Isrealies outside. 6pm the next bus is due to leave but it actually turns out to be 8:30pm with lots of lugging your bags from various waiting points before you even get on the bus. Another overnighter, this time some sleeping tablets gave me a few hours kip. Arrived into Laos 14 hours later only to then jump on another 6 hour trip, this time on a packed out local bus and minus the comfort of the previous one. Finally get to Vang Vien (I think) for our first stop. Thankfully a very chilled out village where every eatery plays either Simpsons or Friends on loop. Heaven after the journey.

Next day we plan to do the main thing to do here, tubing. Consists of sitting on an inner tube while the gentle current of the Mekon river slowly carries you down. Along the way lots of bars stick out big sticks to drag you in for Beer Laos (The best beer in SE Asia, apparently), bananas and Lao Lao (clear whiskey that gives a mild sensation of death when consumed). That was the plan. When we woke, it was basically p*ssing it down with rain. The first day of rain in 3 months. And as we were on a tight schedule because I had booked flights to Singapore in 5 days and Di had to fly home. We had to do it that day or nothing. So sitting, shivering on a river waiting for the next bar so we can get out and try to warm up, was the main plan. Was so gutted as on a sunny day it would have been awesome. It was quite enjoyable but we had to cut it short due to impending hypothermia. Went out in the night to a cool little bar by the river with a big bonfire where everyone sits round and natters. Had an heated discussion with the bloke next to me about what it was that caused more people to arrive. His argument was that people just tend to follow his group around. I think mine was more conclusive in that the fellow DJ I was with asked the bar man to put on some smooth house tunes and that attracted people in. I think we know who was right.

Early start (Gruu) for, you guessed it, ANOTHER 6 hour bus ride through bumpy, although very impressive, mountainous roads to get to the capital Luang Prubang. This time I had had enough and I was in stinking, rotten mood. The only way to cope was to pour page after page of my bile into my notebook about how much I disliked SE Asia. I have had time to be a bit more reflective now but it will all come in my next entry on my summation of SE Asia. Luckily I was distracted by the pretty girl sleeping next to me which inspired me to pen, a quite frankly, filthy, poem. It wont appear on these pages though unfortunately as it will properly shock and sicken people too much. Personal requests only.

Arrived at the capital, Luang Probang, which is a very beautiful and relaxed city with a bo' ho', slightly continental vibe (thanks to the French occupation). I was sharing a room with 3 girls now thanks to the 2 Danish girls that accompanied us from the bus trip. All plutonic though ;) Caught a 'beautiful' sunset by climbing up to a temple that overlooked the city. It was crap really as it was just rammed with tourists with the same idea all snapping away, a thing I have now come to loathe. So, brainy idea, we decide to catch sunrise instead by getting up the following morning at 5am and climbing up the 150 steps to the same point.

This time it was minus all the tourists but due to a fantastic lack of foresight, we found out that the sun didn't actually come up until 7:30. So we're waiting there, in the cold, exhausted from a complete lack of decent sleep from the last 4 days. Then, a load of misty clouds came in so we didn't really see anything. The only highlight was me spotting a moped hitting a monk crossing the road, sending the driver arse over shit. No one was hurt, the monk stayed on his feet, but there was some mild commotion as people gathered round to help up the driver. We were waiting for the hope of the sun poking its head up over the mountains but we got bored and left. As we got to the bottom, the sun came out. So if we had stayed just 5 minutes more we would of seen it. A quite breathtaking waste of my time and my bed. The next attraction was to see the local monks collect there daily food from the cities donators. A big queue of the fellas all lined up waiting to receive their handouts. All surrounded by tourists snapping away sticking cameras in there faces. Totally sickening. I utterly loathe all this 'human zoo' shit they seem to deem 'tourist' attractions so I sulked outside a coffee shop instead. The girls then decided to rent push bikes to tour the city but my mind was deeply in the 'fuck that!' state so I went back to try and get some kip (Some sleep, not he local currency). Of course, that was cut short after about an hour and a half when outside our hostel, a guy with a 1980s Yamaha and various, outrageously bad, singers started blaring out what I can only guess was Laos pop music. Good god. Will no one let me rest!!

In the afternoon we went off to see a waterfall. Before we got there we got to see a little bear sanctuary (the bears were big, the sanctuary little). My wonderful bear jokes went down a treat ('This is un-bear-able','Bear in mind' and 'I think we should bear left'). Then we saw a tiger in a cage ('I'm a Tiger - You're Lion' arf!). So when the girls stopped talking to me after my fantastic display of wit, we headed for the waterfall. Very tall, you get in, swim, get out, dry. Whoop. There were a lot of girls in bikinis though so that helped. Made me think of an interesting question. You can get padded bras but can you get padded bikinis? The mind wanders. The final stop was a visit to a traditional (read poor) mountain village. Final straw. I didn't even get out of the tuk tuk. All these rich westeners parading round snapping away with their expensive cameras while the teams of half naked kids started talking to them only to then beg for money. I don't know why the tour operators deem this a 'tourist' attraction. I think its wrong. But that's just me.

It was Valentines day though so in the evening I headed out to a very snazzy bar for some much needed drinkies. And as irony would have it I ended up smooching with the girl on the bus that inspired my poem (didn't tell her about it though as she might of thought, err, less of me ;) ) The next day and the last thing to do in Laos. Oh god. A two day slow boat trip up the river Mekon to the Thai border. As we were booking it I was on the internet and this guy comes up to me without a courtious 'hello' or 'excuse me', just a straight 'I wanna see the monkeys! Where can I see the monkeys!'

A. 'Who the hell are you?'

B. 'Fuck off' and

C. 'Do I look like a fucking zoo keeper?!? Piss off you freak im on the internet!!'

The biggest hazard in travelling. The lone, middle-aged guy, (LMG) trying to make friends. A bit of a generalisation but a lot I've met are going through some mid-life crisis and will bore you to tears talking about themselves all the time. Luckily I was wise enough to ignore this guy.

The boat consisted of a long thin affair with wooden seats. Each day was 9 hours. Sitting. On a wooden seat. To be fair, apart from the numb arse, it was mildly enjoyable. Met some other people and played some games which helped pass the time. There was another LMG on the boat who although was trying to find inner peace by doing yoga and meditating on the boat, managed to p*ss off a good few people with his rude, abrupt and generally appalling attitude. Someone like that you'd imagine to be a chilled out, nice kinda guy. There were a few sighs of relief when he got off early! The first night stop over was a little village where the waiters in the restaurant (at last!) were more concerned with trying to sell you weed before even taking your drinks order. Now that's what I call service! Well, actually, it did take an hour and a half to get our food but you come to expect that after 2 months in Thailand.

Similar journey the next day only in a smaller, less comfortable, boat. Made it to the border and headed back for my second visit to Chaing Mai back in Thailand. It was at this point where my Karma got me. After bragging to others I had not had an upset stomach for the entire duration of my travels so far, my bowels finally lost their grip and I was treated to 4 episodes of Only Fools and Horses when I got back. No sickness though thank God.

Have now left Thailand and am now in Singapore. Oral sex became illegal here in 1997 until 2004. And you cant smoke anywhere.

I think Ill go to Australia soon.

Keep a grip blog fans.

(Blimey, that was a long one. Didnt think Id have that much to say!)