Washington DC,

Foolishly we end up driving into a major city yet again when its dark, meaning tourist information is closed so no decent maps of cheap places to stay. We did have an address of a hostel to stay at but it was a bit over our budget and we would have had to pay extra for parking. Seems kinda strange that for all our budgeting and worrying about going a few dollars over our limit, we eventually decide “oh fuck it” and stay in the Hilton for a few days after a few pointless hours driving around the city. But big sweaty man balls to it all. Its near the end of the trip and I wanna splash out and treat myself. And how! A magnificent suite with separate living area and gianourmous comfy bed. The perfect place for bloody marys, sushi and a fine selection of cheeses in bed after a hard days sight seeing.

What did we see though? Well the weather was, for want of a better word, gay (sorry to any gay blog fans out there but Im taking that word back, you’ve had it long enough now. I mean, whats next? Soon you’ll be taking ‘rimming’ for Atenboroughs sake!). The weather hasn’t stopped me before and I was armed with a deadly new winter coat so heres some grey landmarks:


“Can George come out to play?”

Hows this for being naïve; I thought we should be able to just rock up and have a little guided sniff around the White House, see a few paintings, you know the sort of shit. Oh no. These days you need to apply 6 months in advance, with the embassy in your own country before even setting foot in there. Ouch! Who said 9/11 made the American government paranoid? So in disgust we threw rocks at the windows and I could clearly see George standing at the window shaking his fist and muttering something about “Pesky kids”. It was either that or “God damn’ towel heads”. Im not too sure.

Anywho, checked out the memorial statue:


“Mmmm. Long, thin and pointy”

Along with the Lincoln Memorial building which I mistakenly believed to be the one that Rocky runs up in the film until Teddie pointed out that it was set in Brooklyn:


“Bow down and feel my wrath you peasants!”

Onwards from there and its on to the Aldershot? Cemetery. A vast and sacred burial area where Americas ex-presidents and fallen soldiers are laid to rest. Its so large you can even do a tour. Yes, a tour bus drives you around with a guy on the bus happily pointing out various graves with his chirpy, insightful commentary. I guess even here in the nation’s capital they fail to see the tackiness and somewhat inappropriateness of a guided tour around a cemetery. Maybe it was just me. I think the part where our driver said “And now for my favourite part of the cemetery…” did it. I mean, how many people have a favourite part of any cemetery? It was in actual fact the area where he proudly pointed out the endless (and they were literally endless, you couldn’t see the ends of the fields head stones) amounts of graves for troops that died during the Vietnam War. Graves caused by an unnecessary war. We were also lucky(?) enough to drive pass a funeral in progress caused by another, more current, unnecessary war. I suppose it’s a good job America like celebrating their dead.



To top off all this morbidity we went to the holocaust museum for a classic bit of misery revival. The usual offenders were all here, Hitler, Stalin, Cliff Richard but I think its good to have a brush up on the old history now and again just to make sure you don’t forget about it.

So what to do to lift this rather somber mood? How about get drunk and pose like a group making an entry for a 1980’s Eurovision song contest?



Yup, that’ll do it!