New York, USA

The original plan for me was to come to New York for Xmas and spend the day helping out at one of the shelters for the homeless. However upon looking at organizations on the internet that do this sort of thing it would appear that they were all fully booked and had all the helpers they needed. If I was feeling ultra generous I suppose I could have roamed the streets to maybe find a shelter that needed help but considering I had enough trouble finding motels in a big city I decided to leave my charitable Xmas day to another day and see what the Big Apple had to offer me for Jeebers’ birthday.

So apparently Jesus was actually born on the 24th of December and the 25th is when all the wise men and other band wagon jumpers came round. That’s why the Germans and the Swedes (amongst others) celebrate Xmas on the 24th. History over with, for Xmas this year I got 3 (count ‘em), 3 bottles of A1 Steak Sauce from Teddie. A bit like HP sauce but actually better. Our many visits to IHOP had cemented it as my favourite sauce. It tastes a bit like Frankincense, mixed with Mir.

After an exchange (of gifts you saucy lot!), we headed out to Central Park and Manhattan to wander around. The trouble is, lots of other people had the same idea. I honestly under estimated the amount of people I expected to be out. Don’t they all have families to be with? It turns out that this place is rather popular with the tourists around Xmas. I still managed to have Turkey though in some sort of deli. It was, however, possibly the worse meal I had had in 12 months of traveling. Yo Ho Oh No! (Not John Lenons wife you understand.)

Not a lot else was to be done. The queue for going to the top of the Empire States Building was 2 hours long and 20 dollars (the last time I went up there it was free and had no queue – this could be due to the fact that my friend with me at the time worked there and he probably had some sort of pass. I don’t remember this though), the weather was turning pretty shit, so went to the Rockafella center instead. I had the idea of me and Teddie having a romantic skate at the rink by the big Xmas tree all alone on Xmas day. I think I watch too many films sometimes and have my head in the clouds as when I arrived there, there simply couldn’t be more people. It was heaving. People queuing up to look at the massive load of people queing up to go on a very crowded ice rink. And this was when it was pissing down and freezing cold. Got the obligatory snap though:


“I gotta go wee wee”

So in a last ditch attempt I tried to maybe get some tickets to go see Saturday Night Live (as this is where the studios were). Unfortunately though you have to camp outside the building on Thursday all the way through to Saturday to stand a chance of maybe getting a ticket. Even a live incestual 4-way sex show starring the royal family isn’t worth that much queuing time so I decided to call it quits and snuggle up in bed. Xmas is about being inside with (and being inside – arf!) loved ones not being outside in shit weather in crowds of unknowns.

Not the best Xmas ever. More something that didn’t live up to my expectations. Which is kinda summing up the USA for me. Never mind, next stop is Boston…to meet the in laws. Gulp!

Washington DC,

Foolishly we end up driving into a major city yet again when its dark, meaning tourist information is closed so no decent maps of cheap places to stay. We did have an address of a hostel to stay at but it was a bit over our budget and we would have had to pay extra for parking. Seems kinda strange that for all our budgeting and worrying about going a few dollars over our limit, we eventually decide “oh fuck it” and stay in the Hilton for a few days after a few pointless hours driving around the city. But big sweaty man balls to it all. Its near the end of the trip and I wanna splash out and treat myself. And how! A magnificent suite with separate living area and gianourmous comfy bed. The perfect place for bloody marys, sushi and a fine selection of cheeses in bed after a hard days sight seeing.

What did we see though? Well the weather was, for want of a better word, gay (sorry to any gay blog fans out there but Im taking that word back, you’ve had it long enough now. I mean, whats next? Soon you’ll be taking ‘rimming’ for Atenboroughs sake!). The weather hasn’t stopped me before and I was armed with a deadly new winter coat so heres some grey landmarks:


“Can George come out to play?”

Hows this for being naïve; I thought we should be able to just rock up and have a little guided sniff around the White House, see a few paintings, you know the sort of shit. Oh no. These days you need to apply 6 months in advance, with the embassy in your own country before even setting foot in there. Ouch! Who said 9/11 made the American government paranoid? So in disgust we threw rocks at the windows and I could clearly see George standing at the window shaking his fist and muttering something about “Pesky kids”. It was either that or “God damn’ towel heads”. Im not too sure.

Anywho, checked out the memorial statue:


“Mmmm. Long, thin and pointy”

Along with the Lincoln Memorial building which I mistakenly believed to be the one that Rocky runs up in the film until Teddie pointed out that it was set in Brooklyn:


“Bow down and feel my wrath you peasants!”

Onwards from there and its on to the Aldershot? Cemetery. A vast and sacred burial area where Americas ex-presidents and fallen soldiers are laid to rest. Its so large you can even do a tour. Yes, a tour bus drives you around with a guy on the bus happily pointing out various graves with his chirpy, insightful commentary. I guess even here in the nation’s capital they fail to see the tackiness and somewhat inappropriateness of a guided tour around a cemetery. Maybe it was just me. I think the part where our driver said “And now for my favourite part of the cemetery…” did it. I mean, how many people have a favourite part of any cemetery? It was in actual fact the area where he proudly pointed out the endless (and they were literally endless, you couldn’t see the ends of the fields head stones) amounts of graves for troops that died during the Vietnam War. Graves caused by an unnecessary war. We were also lucky(?) enough to drive pass a funeral in progress caused by another, more current, unnecessary war. I suppose it’s a good job America like celebrating their dead.



To top off all this morbidity we went to the holocaust museum for a classic bit of misery revival. The usual offenders were all here, Hitler, Stalin, Cliff Richard but I think its good to have a brush up on the old history now and again just to make sure you don’t forget about it.

So what to do to lift this rather somber mood? How about get drunk and pose like a group making an entry for a 1980’s Eurovision song contest?



Yup, that’ll do it!

Orlando,USA

This place has always excited me everytime I came here, probably because I know Im in for a slice of cheesey tourist fun and loads of theme parks. However, this time it didn’t feel so good. I think having spent a year being a tourist and doing an obscene amount of cheesy touristy things has taken its toll on me. Perhaps its also because Ive been here so many bloody times that there are no more surprises left. I think this will be the last time I come here until I have children (well providing ,that is, all my sperms haven’t gone boss eyed and can still swim straight after all the abuse Ive given my body!).

One surprise it did reveal for me was a fantastic test of my patience. After a morning of crazy (and I mean a few slight inclines and bends, not really crazy) golf, we decided to take advantage of the half day discount at the Wet N Wild water park (Universal Studios seemed a bit of a rip off compared to Bushe Gardens as it was more expensive and had less rides). As I was driving, only one block away from Wet N Wild, I found myself in a wrong lane. Unable to go straight on, I was forced to take a turn left. In a desperate attempt to find an exit road or somewhere to turn I blundered onto a freeway with no exits for miles. Then a toll. Then I drove passed a place to do a U turn. Then desperate and blind exits were taken, driving onto different freeways. A few more tolls paid, 10 miles of driving and a stop in a petrol station to ask directions to a place I could actually see 30 minutes ago before being forced to make a disastrous wrong turn, and I was a nice simmering pot of rage. Luckily, Teddie had the common sense to point out that I should stop driving more and more aggressively and actually slow down in case we miss it again. Or kill a small child. Amazingly an argument along the lines of a man being too stubborn to admit he was wrong and a woman making a comment like “Well, if you’d have taken that turning like I said” was avoided and a great day out was had at the water park. I still blame the American road design. Now if they had roundabouts like normal people……

Theme parks aside, there was time to pick out a few bargains at the outlet shopping center, such as a big bastard thick coat for the winter weather that awaits us further north. I also got something I probably should have got a long long time ago:


“From zero…”


“To hero! Well…pinhead”

That’s right! After growing my hair solidly for an entire year I did the right thing and got a bloody hair cut. I suppose it wasn’t really fair for Teddie to be going out with Worzel Gummage. It wasn’t just a curiosity to see what I looked like with long hair (ridiculous), but it was also a symbolism for me being able to stick to something without giving up when it gets hard. I did what I planned and grew it for a year, and for me it looks better shorter, but I cant help feel that maybe I should have stuck to it and kept on growing it even more. What do you think blog fans?

Tampa, USA

After a mildly disappointing Miami, there was no doubt an injection of roller coasters would heighten the USA experience. The bad timing by me when taking this whole trip meant that the theme parks in Florida were pretty much the only major ones open in the USA at this time of year (You have no idea the how hard its been driving past so many 6 Flag theme parks and seeing that they’re all closed – glub!). So the plan was to drive up to Tampa for Busche Gardens then across to Orlando for the evening for further theme parkage.

After our monster 800 mile, 18 hour drive down to Miami, the drive up to Tampa would be a veritable slide down the Dutchman’s pole. However it just took forever and we didn’t get to the theme park until 2pm. It was at this point I was close to a child, sulking at the pure frustration at the thought of not being able to go on all the rides.

But we gambled that 4 hours should be enough to cover it all. And thank Bellamy it was! Me and Terry were pretty much running around from ride to ride, making up for lost ground. Suffice to say all the coasters (and there were bloody loads of them) were all fantastic especially the hang-you-over-a-vertical-drop-before-dropping-you-into-loads-of-loop-the-loops one and surprisingly the old fashioned wooden one. Probably because it felt like you were about to come off at anytime so you laugh like a madman on acid (not that I know what that’s like or anything).

A great theme park and filled with a surprisingly large amount of people going around on electric buggies provided by the park. Not that they were disabled (disabled people have the common sense to bring their own transport), no these people were simply too fat to walk so they buzzed around the park with they’re spewing mounds of excess flesh resting in the basket. Delicious eh? Why they paid 60 dollars to go around looking at rides that they would have no hope in hell of riding is beyond me. I guess they were there to see the pink flamingoes. Beautiful, but not worth 60 bucks.

Off next to my 4th visit to Orlando.

Miami, USA

We drove here in one day from Talladega. Get a map and look how far that is. Its about 800 to 900 miles. In one day. We left Talladega at about 1pm and arrived in Miami at 4am. Only stopping for fuel and food. We consumed 4 energy drinks which really are ridiculously potent because it kept us bouncing off the walls up to 7am as it took us a further 3 hours to cruise Miami Beach looking for a hotel that wasn’t ridiculously over our budget. Also had a scary moment driving through Everglades at 2am in dense fog with the petrol light flashing on the car and no idea where the next gas station was. Luckily we found one but could have made this monster journey a little more interesting.

Miami!! The last place I’m probably gonna get some sun before going home. And it rained. All weekend. Damn it I should’ve gone to Chicago! Miami is a very pretty place as Ive been here before, but in the rain it doesn’t half look miserable (as do most places I suppose). At least it was warm though. You get the impression its very much up its own arse here. Lots of expensive clubs billing themselves as ‘upscale’ so you don’t get in with Tshirt or jeans (pretty much my entire wardrobe for the last year). But if you avoid that you can find some decent drinking holes like, surprise surprise, an Irish bar. Had some Strongbows, which were nectar, then met some locals who said they’d take us to a really ‘cool’ bar where the locals go. It turned out to be a cheesey pick up joint. I left before they played “Love Shack”


“I’d rather be done up the butt than listen to…..”

Spent the next day cruising around. Drove into downtown Miami which looked like an absolute shit hole and dodgy as hell. At least I got a big ‘wave off’ on the drive back when a cruise liner full of passengers set sail. Then looked at some of the posh shops around Ocean Drive where Teddy tried on a $2000 dress. She looked bloody stunning in it and as the shop assistant told her, it was a guaranteed ticket into any VIP club. Shame I wouldn’t be able to join her with my scruffy gear on.

Headed out again that night to a big club in downtown. Took the bus to save cash which took forever to arrive. Then halfway there we had to get off for a piss stop. Then wait another 40 minutes for the next one. Back on the bus, it started filling up with the usual weirdo’s you get on American public buses. One Peruvian guy kept talking to us although I could only understand about 10% of what he said. He told us what stop to get off at and it looked like the dodgiest area possible. Everyone just started staring at us. And this guy wanted to take us some place even though I was trying my best to get a taxi the hell out of there. Managed to get one to the club but after all the weirdos and waiting around I really wasn’t in the mood. When the ATM denied me cash it was clearly a sign it wasn’t meant to happen and we bailed to get home, spending a small fortune on Taxis. What a great night out. I think this picture of Teddy waiting for a bus in the rain sums it up:


"Haaaaarumph!"

The next day was better spent with some nicer weather and a chance for some nice pics:






“Yes, I am wearing a head band”

And better weather is predicted for tomorrow (25C hopefully) where we shall be heading for a 2 day theme park bonanza. After that the plan is to head to New York for Xmas then Boston for New Year. Can you believe I’ve been away for 13 months now blog fans? Amazing I know. Ill be touching down in Heathrow on the early hours of the 10th of January courtesy of Air India(!). That’s 3 weeks from now.

Boo Hoo blog fans.

Alabama, USA

Ok so I got off the interstate and yes it was a lot more scenic. Then it started to absolutely piss it down so called it a day in a town called Jackson. Got a motel and stayed in for the night. Its kinda of annoying because you realize there isn’t much to do in these small towns except maybe find a bar (which we didn’t) but even if you do you have to drive there as everything is so spaced out so only one of you can drink really. The reality of this road trip is starting to hit home. But what an accent they have over here. Remember when you used to have a tape walkman and when the batteries started to run out it all slowed down and sounded a bit retarded. That’s what they speak like in Alabama.

As our detour in Alabama was only for 2 days we headed up to Talladega where, you guessed it, I watched Talladega Nights the movie! And then I went to the actual NASCAR race track. Except there weren’t any races on. This road trip couldn’t get any more exciting if it tried


“Wooohooo!”

Okay, lets start the longest bit of driving I have ever done in my entire life.

New Orleans, USA

Leaving Texas and entering Lousiana, our next destination is New Orleans. A wrong turning that cost me a dollar (it forced me over a toll bridge I didn’t need to go on) later we entered the city. You can see how this place was hit hard by the Hurricane last year but there is lots of rebuilding going on. The trouble is, there is so much that still needs to be rebuilt, its evident that not enough is being done. So I thought I may as well help out and pump some money into their economy (but not much, Im on a budget still!). Tourism is still doing good here and stayed in great motel that had the feel of a bohemian Australian hostel rather than an inner city motel. Cruising round the renowned French Quarter you get to see a whole host of crazy shops and curious French architecture that makes it feel quite different to other US cities:


“Get out of the bloody road!”

You get to see things like these two guys playing harmonica and singing in the middle of the road. Of course there are a hell of a lot of tacky tourist shops selling things like real gators, stuffed to look like waiters holding an ash tray. And also, a much more appealing Santa Doll this time:


“Jingle Jazz”

Wasn’t long before all the walking got too much and we had to hit a bar for a super strength Margarita



“Its got a shting in its tail”

Got suitably drunk for the evening on a street where pretty much every bar has live blues or jazz. Ended the night chatting to 2 girls who told us all about how they lived through Katrina and how it affected both the rich and the poor and that the police were shooting people with AK47s simply for being out on the street. Lovely. God bless America. Then one of them told us about how she ran away from home when she was 13 and was being chased by the FBI for hacking. Hmmmm.

Its at this point on the trip we had a cross roads. Initially wanted to head up to Chicago then go across to Detroit on the way to New York. But as the weather is pretty much freezing up there and Im not sure how good the car will be in the snow, it was decided to stay south for as long as possible and try and catch one last bit of sun before I have to head home for Blighty. So the new destination is Miami with a plan to go off the interstate on the way in Alabama and try and get through some small towns.

Houston, USA

We’d lost our little booklet containing coupons for discount motels in Texas so we presumed we’d just be able to drive into Houston and find one. Nope. After 3 hours of driving around a very annoying city with all sorts of one way road restrictions, we eventually find somewhere slightly out of town to stay at. “Houston, YOU have a problem”. Not me. Did get to see a fair bit of the city mind you. I did however have a bit of a monk on towards the end as it just seemed that nothing was going our way as we kept getting endlessly lost, missing turnings and just not having any luck.

The next day, after a failed attempt at going to the NASA space station due to a wrong turn after a very suspect road sign, I went to a shopping mall to have a mooch. And by pure chance a guy in a music shop randomly said to me that BT (The music guy I met back in LA) was playing in Houston that night! Well this was too much. Left the mall and drove straight there (after taking a wrong turn and getting lost again first though). Was a strange little venue with a lot of the crowd being middle age geeks. The first guy on, Thomas Dolby, was all very New Wave, 80s electro pop and a bit, well, shit. Thankfully BT made up for it when he came on. The trouble was, was that he was playing much more ambient and emotional music which was ruined by a bunch of twats up front who were constantly screaming and whooping all the way through the very nice ballads he was playing. It’s not a bloody rave you penises! Still it was good to see him play live after meeting him in LA.


“B to the T. Indeed”

After something actually going right since getting here, I was inspired enough to attempt going to the NASA space station again. And I’m glad I did. The first part of the museum was an actual tour of the control center where they launch the flights on. As they were launching a shuttle that day from Florida the guide requested that no flashes be used when taking photos when inside as it distracts the workers. There were a shed load of Koreans on the tour and as soon as we got to the viewing gallery and reminded again about not using a flash, loads of flashes started going off. The guide talked us through the various bits and reminded us again about the flashes. I was in hysterics at this point because as he was actually speaking to us telling us not to use a flash all these flashes kept going off.

“Ok can I remind you all again not to use a flash when taking a picture”

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

“Ok. I’ve just had….”

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

“…three phone calls from…”

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

“….the control room about the fl…”

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

“IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO NEEDS TO TRANSLATE FOR YOU CAN YOU TELL….”

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

“Oh I give up”

Fantastic. Absolutely made my day that these poor guys didnt understand a word he said. Of course I managed to get a picture without a flash being the good boy that I am:


“Houston, can you tell those bloody Koreans to st….FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!”

I also noticed that the Koreans like to take pictures of things with them standing in front of it, hands by their side, looking very serious. So I tried my hand at it:


“One for the arbum”

I think I came off as more miserable than serious. Although Im not sure what my serious face is like as Im rarely very serious in life. As has become customary on my trip I like to try and get as many waves out of people as I can. So if another tour bus of people goes past, I’ll start waving to see how many wave back. Didn’t get as many in NASA although its going to be tough to beat my record in Melbourne when I managed to get an entire bus load of Koreans to spontaneously start waving at me as they drove past. Try it yourself, you’ll be amazed how much fun it can be.

One thing you don’t expect as you’re driving in between buildings where they train astronauts and launch multi million dollar shuttles into space is this:


“Put away your steak sauce sonny”

That’s right, a load of cows. Very strange. But this is Texas I guess. Lets MOOOOve on. Sorry.

Afterwards you get to “experience the amazing sensation of an actual shuttle launch!!” which is actually watching a shuttle take off on a cinema screen with the volume turned up very loud. Then you move on to a museum which has displays of cool things like the pod that came back to earth after the first space launch and lots of info about the history of American space travel. The one display that got me was one showing a timeline of events in recent history along with what was happening with space travel at the time. The event list read like this:

2001: Terrorists attack the World Trade Center and the Pentagon
2003: The film Harry Potter and the Socerers Stone premiers
2004: Saddam Hussein is captured by American troops
2005: Tsunami devastates Asia: 200,000 killed
2005: Hurricane Katrina causes much destruction along the Gulf Coast.

Sorry what was that? Hang on a minute. 2003, Harry Potter gets released. Was the film of a small bespectacled boy conjuring up frogs and shit really such a major news worthy event compared to the largest terrorist attack in history and the toppling of autocratic empire??! I think not somehow.

There was also a display showing that contrary to popular belief, the moon, in theory, has all the correct chemical compounds to sustain life (given a bit of technological gigery pokery). It was certainly interesting to see how they could develop moon stations and that a shuttle load of moon dust contains enough H3 helium to potentially fuel America for a year with little waste. However Im not sure they should be planning to start a new civilization on the moon when they can’t even get things right back on Earth. Right blog fans?

That was it for Houston. Went out that night for some drinks and when we asked the locals how they get home after a night of drinking they looked at me sort of puzzled and said “We drive man!”. Okay….Taxi!

Road Trip, USA

And away they go! We hit the interstate and headed off to the next state of Arizona. Where we stopped in a motel. Then we got up and we drove some more into New Mexico where we had some lunch. Then we drove some more into Texas where we stopped in a motel. Then we got up and HANG ON A BLOODY MINUTE! This is shit! I had images of this road trip being full of adventures and meeting weird hill billies. Not motorways and motels.

Ok, I think my error here has been a complete and utter lack of planning (as usual), not buying a lonely planet (although we have bought a little cactus for the car which is a lonely plant, ahem) and generally sticking to the motorways. Im also extremely annoyed with myself in general for the timing of my whole round the world trip by living out two winters in one year instead of no winters like what I should have done.

The weather out here isn’t bad, but its not sun bathing weather I can tell you. But most annoying is that all the fantastic theme parks and water parks are closed!! One of the main reason for coming on this round the world trip in the first place. CURSES!! Well never mind. America will always be here (well, unless it doesn’t get nuked by Iran or North Korea or Godzilla) so Ill just have to come back another time and do all the theme parks. As Im here cruising across the southern states I might as well try and make the best of it.


“The rooooad is looooong. Very very very very long”



“Shouldn’t you be on the road?”

Entering into Texas you realize this is a BIG state. The road goes on straight for miles and miles and miles with nothing but desert all around you. Not a place you’d want to break down really. Hmmm, why is the engine temperature gauge maxed out and that big red light with an exclamation mark flashing. Oh shit.

Actually it’d been overheating for a while but we managed to cool it down by adding more water. Luckily we managed to finally stop at a petrol station where I looked under the bonnet pretty clueless, hoping the problem would fix itself if I stared at it long enough. No luck. However a German guy did come over and start poking around at it.

He discovered the problem and in the next 2 hours he actually managed to replace one of the hoses from the water pump as it had a hole in it (I hadn’t done that many handbrake turns, honest!). Absolutely amazing bit of luck considering we were in a tiny little town and it was dark and here’s this random German with tools and replacement hoses with the know how on how to fix it all. When I asked him what he wanted for it he just grunted at me. In fact as we thanked him over and over he just seemed to get more grumpy. Very strange but I wasn’t gonna argue with a free roadside repair. Best leave before he decides to eat my head.

Back on the road you discover the joy of American drivers. My god. They really are terrible. Apparently there is lane priority where everyone overtakes on the left but no one takes any notice. And nobody indicates. Its more of a problem in the cities where nobody has any courtesy whatsoever. If your indicating to change lanes and starting to make a maneuver, the guy behind you will try and beat you to it. They swerve in front of you with no indicators, usually with a phone glued to their head and most of them drive cars the size of buses. God help them if they had to deal with manual cars and roundabouts that’s all I can say.

Made a stop in San Antonio where I discovered the wonders of A1 Steak Sauce. I have now succumbed to the evil of American junk food and I am no longer caring about eating healthily. The way I see it is that I can get back in shape when I get home so for now I might as well enjoy it. So now some days I might have pancakes from breakfast and a burger for lunch followed by a burger for dinner. 40% of Americans are obese and it’s so easy to see why.

They say there could be an obesity epidemic on the horizon but I really don’t think its going to effect me do you? So sod those fat bastards give me your burgers baby!! And being fair, they do make the best burgers over here. I plan to make it my mission to have a burger in every burger restaurant. And what choice you have; McDonalds, Dennys, Burger King, Wendys, Shoeies, WhatABurger, InNOut Burger, Carls Jnr, Fuddruckers and White Castle. There may be more and I plan to sample them all.

They also had this building there which I forget the name of now:


“Remember the…errr…remember the ah…err…the…nah, its gone.”

And my personal favourite “Only in America” moment so far:


“That’s right. A Santa Claus doll with army fatigues and a fucking gun”

Another good one I found is whilst driving along the desolate interstate roads you’ll suddenly come across a road sign displaying “DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS”. “Err, ok. I, err, wasn’t planning to”. Silly people.

That night, Teddie had a dream that we got pulled over by the cops for speeding. Of course, next morning what happens? I get pulled over by the cops for speeding. You could say it’s a weird coincidence but I think its more a matter of inevitability when you’re traveling and nothing less than 90mph most of the time. Luckily I gave him a load of “Yes sir. No Sir. Three bags full sir” and he only gave me a warning. Good job he didn’t check up with the San Francisco police department about my $335 in parking fines. Lets get out of here baby.

For a humourous slant on the American culture read this (it’s not written by John Cleese though, contrary to what it says)

http://www.liquidtype.net/node/781

San Diego, USA

Guess what? That’s right, we traveled further south to visit even more of Teddies friends and more free accommodation in San Diego (I knew I invited her to join me for a reason). This time it was a friend of hers, Helen, who she knew when she was doing an exchange program in South Africa (I cant keep track of it all either). So again it was a big old Swedish fest with me trying to pick out words I understood, like “I” and “a” and “Today”. As you can imagine, my limited Swedish vocabulary meant I understood sweet fanny adams but they did all speak English most of the time for my benefit.

The one thing I did not think Id be doing is boarding a submarine on my travels so imagine my luck when our hosts invited us to jump on board for a nose around! Tobias (Helens boyfriend) is a Submarine Commander in the Swedish navy and they’re currently helping Americans to be not so shit at driving submarines around. Hence being based in San Diego, the main naval hub on the west coast of America. So we actually got to go on board the Swedish sub and get a guided tour which was very interesting. The best point for me is that the Swedish have an engine that although has pistons, does not use combustion to drive it and hence allows them to be a lot quieter underwater. This is an engine only the Swedish government know about which makes they’re subs and they’re crew some of the best in the world. Was allowed a few snaps inside too:


“Feel free to look around just don’t touch anyth…….”


“A fine vessel. The subs not to bad either. Arf!”

And yes, that is my homemade Anchorman T-shirt which I found rather appropriate as I was actually in San Diego at the time (although I did look like quite the tourist prat). I also watched the film whilst their too, how cool am I? Although I later discovered most of it was filmed in LA. Knights of Columbus!

Also popped into the bar where they played the piano in a scene from Top Gun:


“I know exactly the scene your talking about...eh?”

Didnt stay though as it was a bit of a dump. Instead, it was about time for drunken shenanigans with the Swedes so here we go:



“Hello Sailor. Sorry, commander”

“You get as good as you give”



“A deformed Justin Timberlake look-a-like demonstrating how to bring ‘sexy back’”

And yes, that is a bit of sick on my right shoulder after very nearly winning a bet to eat half an apple in one bite. It went well until I realized I couldn’t really chew and it was getting stuck in my throat and making me gag. So I had to spew a bit to get it out and it got kind messy.

And that was the end of the west coast and Calafornia. Its now just me, Teddie and the Green Danger to high tail it across the states in the mother of all road trips. Heeeyaaaaaa!!


“Ah San Diego. Drink it in, always goes down smooth.”

Orange County, USA

Onwards in the Green Danger to visit more friends of Teddies. This time its friends of the family who they spend there summers with in Gothenburg. I’m willing going along as it means getting to meet more locals (well they’re not really locals as they’re Swedish) and of course more free food and accommodation ;). I was even more happy when we found out that they’re not shy of a few pennies and live in an awesome
house with all sorts of luxurious goodies.


“Well it’ll do for now I suppose”

Thankfully they were a really grounded down to earth family. Was interesting to look through some of they’re recent photos of a charity bash they attended with Hans (The Dad of the family) in photos with some of the Kennedys. “Hang on a minute that’s bloody Swartzenegger’s wife isn’t it?” I was thinking. Apparently they’ve had dinner with the Kennedys. Bloody Nora! Was also interesting to chat to him about driving around the Nuremburg race track. I tried to sound as knowledgeable as possible but as he’d actually done the real thing and my experience was only limited to doing it on a video game it didn’t go to well. Was nice of him to show me his spanking new Carrera and inform me that a good mate of his actually designs Porsches (he’s just started work on the new 911 turbo apparently). Really nice bloke though and a lovely family.

Went on a little day trip around the area to see the sights. Visited Newport Beach which apparently has some of the most expensive real estate in America. I suppose it was a pretty nice area but nothing that really sets it apart from other costal towns Ive been to on my travels.


“There are certainly worse places to be”

However my favourite sight was this mad woman pushing her dog around in a baby stroller.

“I take the ruff with the smooth”

Also got to admire some impressive architecture:


“Haha! Fooled you all. This is actually Ikea”

Yes, went into Ikea, but not for furniture. They have a little shop at the exit where they sell all matter of Swedish food and Teddie went bonkers and bought 20 bucks worth. I guess it was like me getting loads of Monster Munch and Quavers when I was in the British shop in Sydney.

Overall a pleasant couple of days spent relaxing and brushing up on my Swedish. I can now ask people to have a drink at my house in Swedish. Useful.

Monterey, USA

After San Fran, Terry and I made our way down the west coast of California in the “Green Danger” (The new name for our rental car, courtesy of Teddie) to visit her best friend from Sweden who lives in the USA with her American boyfriend. Turned up at a place called Monterey where Easton’s (Teddies, best friends boyfriend – I know, bare with me) family live. That’s all by the by though. Booked a motel through some website and checked in where I quickly went for an urgent number 2. All was good until the manager was banging on the door and very rudely said to Teddie that our booking wasn’t confirmed and we had to get out. Trouble was, I was still getting used to the thin American plumbing and managed to block and overflow the toilet with my fresh creation, flooding the bathroom floor. Quite embarrassing walking out of the room telling the manager that he might want to “mop that up”. Teach the silly bastard to be so rude to us though.

Apart from toilet troubles, we got checked into another motel and got invited around for dinner at Eastons family’s house. It was really nice to experience some American hospitality with very generous amounts of food and drink and a family that made us feel really welcome. Although I think I might be noticing a certain trait about Americans. I think they talk too much. Maybe it’s the just the differences in cultures but there was constant chatter the whole time I was there. Its like they talk about everything and anyone. Whereas back home it would take 11 pints and to be lying in the gutter, covered in vomit and crying to get some of your more personal feelings out, these guys do it at the drop of a hat in normal conversation. However they were all very nice and I gladly accepted a great free meal from them.

“And the winner of the best unwanted xmas jumper of the year goes to…..”

We were actually here over Thanks Giving which is an American tradition of celebrating the fact that when the original settlers were dying of starvation because they didn’t know how to harvest the land, the native Americans helped them out and showed them how to do it. Obviously before they got the hang of it and decided to kill them all off in return. Anyway a massive feast with turkey is usually the deal so wanting to be a part of it me and Terry had some turkey slices in our sandwiches in the motel room to celebrate.

Not a great deal else to report. Did a little ice skating to practice before we hit the Rockafella ice rink in New York, and once again I was out done by four year olds as I imitated a pissed up Bambi. Lets hope it goes better in New York. Also went to a nice house party with all of Eastons mates where we were introduced to people as ‘Awesome!’. Tch! Americans. They’re so over the top, ho ho ho.

San Francisco, USA

Ah, the city I have most been looking forward to visiting for my entire trip, and it didn’t let me down. After a hefty 10 hour drive from Vegas I was soon racing up and down the hills of the Bay city just like Steve McQueen in Bullet. Except I had a Ford Focus estate.

Got checked back into hostel land and headed out to meet up with an old buddy Id met in Hong Kong and Thailand:


“Its Ricky! It’s Ricky! It’s Ricky Ricky Ricky!”

Good to catch with an old face and reminisce over the weird times like when he got tear gassed in Hong Kong. Oh, how we laughed. Also nice to have a few pointers in the new city.

We were based in a hostel right in downtown in an area called “Tenderloin”. A place where you really don’t want to go. It is full, and I mean full of homeless people. There is a BIG problem here. Every day and everywhere you go around here people are begging for money. It’s not too bad though. Even though you feel a bit intimidated theyre usually rather friendly and say a nice thing to you then ask you for a dollar. I think I must have spent about $20 in all giving money to various tramps. It felt a bit like a tourist tax. Shame the Mayor of San Fran won’t do anything about it (he's now in rehab).

Its here where you can play chess in the street against whoever is around, be it bum, hustler or some other local. Haven beaten Andy at chess countless times in Oz and New Zealand and successfully coming second in two tournaments when I was young (after crying for not coming first both times as well, I might add), I was feeling pretty cocksure. Hanging around the tables waiting for a challenge I hear a “Yo! Red cap!” (I was of course wearing my legendary cap), from a youth beckoning me for a game. With a dollar at stake I was in.

Although I soon realized this wasn’t chess like I’m used to. This guy was trash talking and jeering over each move made with his buddy over my shoulder shouting moves for me to make and giving it all “ooooo nah man!!” when I finally made my move. Hmmm, Im being hustled here. All the distractions did not help my concentration and I made mistake after mistake until all my pieces were pretty much gone. I resigned before the humiliation of checkmate. I paid my dollar, then went away cursing. And had a little cry of course.

Still, a defeat at chess isn’t going to stop my admiration for this beautiful city. Please enjoy now my photos for you. Yes Mesh.


“Metropolitan Hobbit Hole”


“The Severn Bridge”


“A boat”


“A strange monkey creature”



“And, of course, Jesus riding Kermit”

There are many more beautiful things to see here but those are some of my highlights. The trip wasn’t without disaster, in case you were worried I might escape this place without some sort of event.

Driving a car into major cities is a bit of a pain as parking starts to get as expensive as a nights accommodation so upon arrival I cruised around the city looking for free parking. Found a nice little spot and dumped the car there for a few days. Well lordy, lordy, can you imagine my surprise upon returning to the vehicle that I had received no less than 4 parking tickets to the tune of $300 in total. My crime was parking in front of a fire hydrant. Well bugger me. They put up signs saying you cant park on Tuesdays because of street cleaners but nothing about fire hydrants. Drat.

Moved the car to a better spot then got another one the following day for having left my wheels straight when parking on a hill. In case my handbrake and transmission fail I have to turn my wheels. Good god man. So I now have the San Francisco City Council on my ass. Don’t worry though blog fans. Ive sent them a very nice letter explaining in no uncertain terms that I’m not going to pay them and they’ll never catch me. Lets see what happens next time I go through US immigration eh? It was a nice area that I parked in though:


“They call it post card row because the houses are made of cheese. Hmmm...”

Other than riling the city council and losing at chess I did squeeze in a night out at the rather fabulous and swanky Supper club to celebrate the launch of a new mix CD from OM records (for those who care). It was a very elaborately decked out place with big fluffy beds and cushions all the way around the dance floor. Although the DJ was playing some great music the crowd just wasn’t really there for dancing, it was more for standing around and looking good which was rather annoying. However they did have a highlight where some bloke got attached to some rigging and jumped off a balcony swinging across the dance floor then attaching a giant disco ball to the roof. Very flash. You can see it happening here in this great photo:


“Wheeee! Im a disco munchkin!”

A good night although I should have drunk more before going there as drinks were horrociasly expensive.

San Francisco is a great city and one I could easily see myself living in one day. Its always unfortunate that I cant spend more time and ‘live’ a little more in the cities I visit. But that’s the trip I planned. Im previewing at the moment and I like what I’m seeing. Ok, time to head south. Keep it pumping blog fans.


“I know I left it here somewhere…..”

Las Vegas, USA

“You’re cool, the engines hot, the girl’s gorgeous, a full tank of gas and an open road…. The rest is up to you!”. Anyone with a penchant for mid-1980’s video games who gets a tingle when reading that, will get an idea of what’s coming.

Being in Vegas, I needed a cheap, efficient and environmentally friendly (I’ve seen ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ don’t forget) mode of transport to get around in. So, in true backpacker fashion I made the decision to hire a Ferrari for the day and live out a childhood fantasy of driving around with a beautiful girl by my side just like the classic video game Outrun:


“Simply stunning. Teddie’s not too bad either mind”


“My other car’s a Ford”

Ok, so its not quite the Ferrari Testarossa as in the game, but a Ferrari 348 Spyder is close enough. After a big credit check, and signing my life away to pay the first $5000 in the event of any damage to the car, I very carefully stepped into the greatest rental car ever. And you know what? I was actually a bit disappointedat first. Its very difficult to actually get into, the handbrake didn’t really work (lucky Vegas is flat), the leather was all a bit scratched and worn, the doors didn’t lock very well and the stereo had the worst speakers in a car I’d ever heard. Ah, but then I fired up the engine and it became all so apparent. Nothing else matters. This thing is an absolute bastard. The engine sits right behind you and just roars into your head.

My main worry, having not driven anything more powerful than a Fiat Brava, was that the acceleration would be so sensitive that I’d hurtle off into a wall straight away. Goodbye rest of my spending money, Im going back home. Luckily this wasn’t the case and was easily controlled even though I was very gentle on the accelerator. However, this is a 1990 car and it certainly did NOT have power steering so you could barely turn the thing at low speed. Still, I managed to push very gently into the traffic of the Las Vegas strip and cruise along with everyone else.

At first, it was all very frustrating; I didn’t hire a Ferrari to get stuck in traffic like a mug. But then I got to the front of a set of lights and was able to see what this beast was capable of. Ohhhh Nelly! Hitting 60mph in 4 seconds and still in 2nd gear you realize how much trouble you can get into with this car. Finally hitting the freeway, it was make or break time. Im either going to kill myself, and destroy this car or survive to tell the tale. It was 50/50.

Taking full advantage of the ambiguous freeway driving rules (no lane priority, just overtake in any lane) I opened her out. This car is insane! Im darting in and out of traffic doing 135mph in 5th gear and this silly car just wants to go faster!! I didn’t even have my foot down. It had better acceleration at 135mph in 5th gear than my Ford Focus rental had in 1st. Even more fun was to be had when doing a U-turn at traffic lights. The sheer acceleration just spins the backend out so you spin round wildly, screeching all the way doing a powerslide in front of a row of spectating traffic. Aha! I AM the stig. Of course everyone probably thought I was just a complete cunt instead, but you know what? I don’t care. It was just too much fun. Im just glad I had practice doing handbrake turns in previous rental cars on this trip otherwise it would have ended in an embarrassing disaster.


“Keep your eyes on the road you stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bastard”

Back on the strip, I began to realize there’s a certain stigma to driving a Ferrari. Driving a car like this you cant help but shout “LOOK AT ME!”. Why else would you drive a Ferrari? Sure there are faster cars out there, but not many that look and sound like this one. Having people look down at you in their ridiculously oversized SUVs you just cant help to give them a wink and burn off at a million miles an hour. You slowly adopt the mentally of a Ferrari driver. That’s right, you become an arsehole. I also learnt a rather apt Swedish phrase for the day from Teddie; “Jag har en liten snopp” (I have a little penis). Don’t worry it’s not true before all you girls start reaching for the razor blades and cyanide.

Sadly though, it was all over before I knew it. I had to hand it back (in one piece, thank the lord beavers heist), pay a ridiculous amount of money for it, and go back to the other rental car. It doesn’t go as fast, it’s a funny green colour, but at least it has power steering and a decent stereo. , back to real life (Well as much as you can go back to real life while being on holiday for over 12 months). Needless to say, I want one and one day Im gonna get my own Ferrari and have a penis reduction (it might take a few operations though).

The rest of our time was spent seeing the wonders of Vegas. There really is nothing more spectacular when driving down the strip at night and seeing the whole place throbbing with lights and buzzing with excitement. Lavish isn’t the word for these hotels:


“Ah, big gay paris”


“Belargio and Caesers Palace”


“Classy”

These places are gorgeous and ridiculously over the top, I bet they must be full of beautiful people all playing Roulette in dinner jackets and evening wear, lets go to that one over there! Oh. Oh dear. Hang on a minute. It would appear all the scum and dregs of society live here in wheelchairs! Vegas would appear to be the class sieve of America. Inside most casinos are desperate people fixated on the endless slot machines, not talking just pumping in coins. Its hopelessly anti-social and over all the flashing lights and racket it can get kinda depressing.

Having been staying in countries where smoking is now banned in public places (and having given up the tabs myself), it was quite a shock to come to a place that hadn’t passed that law yet. Lets just say if Vegas did impose a smoking ban I estimate it would lose about 80% of its business.

You’re better off going to the bigger name, more up-market casinos like Caesers Palace. Having played a fair bit of Texas Hold-Em poker in my travels and thought it was about time to win big at a casino. So I sat down at a nice table with a good ensemble of people and pledged my $40. 15 minutes later I was soon leaving the table, having lost each consecutive hand. Oh well, guess I need more practice. Managed to get a free Gin and Tonic out of it though.

Vegas is the place to come if you’ve got a bit of money to waste, and what with me being a backpacker (and also having wasted an obscene amount of money on a Ferrari rental) I found it all quite restrictive as I couldn’t really afford to go mad. Spent a lot of time paying for drinks at the bar which made me think that if you get free drinks when you start to gamble, maybe you could get free gambling if you start to get drunk at the bar! When you lose your just gonna come back to the bar and drink again.

Did squeeze in a few thrill rides at the top of the stratosphere tower and had a photo taken of me on one of the rides that had me looking so full of terror I looked like a 100 year old goblin (I didn’t buy it and it wont be displayed here).



“Im sure Ive seen this before somewhere”

There were 3 rides that dangled you over the edge of the tower in various manners. I thought all the shit your pants, vertigo inducing, adrenaline rides finished with the bungee jump. They weren’t thrilling but more of a reminder that I really don’t like heights and I should stop trying to kid myself I can get over it. The rollercoaster around the New York, New York casino was good fun but as I had an apocalyptic cold at the time, all the gunk in my sinus rattled the nerves of my teeth and made it a very painful experience.


“Our hotel, which Back to the Future fans may recognise...”

We did manage to stay in a very nice hotel with all mod cons including a double bed for cheaper than a hostel which was absolute nectar after 3 months of sleeping in a bunk bed every night.

I think Vegas is the perfect place to come for a weekend or a few days where you want to get drunk and gamble some money. As I wasn’t feeling too flush I didn’t make the most of it so I definitely need to come back here when my bank balance is looking a little less anemic.

Thank you Vegas, see you again soon.