New York, USA

The original plan for me was to come to New York for Xmas and spend the day helping out at one of the shelters for the homeless. However upon looking at organizations on the internet that do this sort of thing it would appear that they were all fully booked and had all the helpers they needed. If I was feeling ultra generous I suppose I could have roamed the streets to maybe find a shelter that needed help but considering I had enough trouble finding motels in a big city I decided to leave my charitable Xmas day to another day and see what the Big Apple had to offer me for Jeebers’ birthday.

So apparently Jesus was actually born on the 24th of December and the 25th is when all the wise men and other band wagon jumpers came round. That’s why the Germans and the Swedes (amongst others) celebrate Xmas on the 24th. History over with, for Xmas this year I got 3 (count ‘em), 3 bottles of A1 Steak Sauce from Teddie. A bit like HP sauce but actually better. Our many visits to IHOP had cemented it as my favourite sauce. It tastes a bit like Frankincense, mixed with Mir.

After an exchange (of gifts you saucy lot!), we headed out to Central Park and Manhattan to wander around. The trouble is, lots of other people had the same idea. I honestly under estimated the amount of people I expected to be out. Don’t they all have families to be with? It turns out that this place is rather popular with the tourists around Xmas. I still managed to have Turkey though in some sort of deli. It was, however, possibly the worse meal I had had in 12 months of traveling. Yo Ho Oh No! (Not John Lenons wife you understand.)

Not a lot else was to be done. The queue for going to the top of the Empire States Building was 2 hours long and 20 dollars (the last time I went up there it was free and had no queue – this could be due to the fact that my friend with me at the time worked there and he probably had some sort of pass. I don’t remember this though), the weather was turning pretty shit, so went to the Rockafella center instead. I had the idea of me and Teddie having a romantic skate at the rink by the big Xmas tree all alone on Xmas day. I think I watch too many films sometimes and have my head in the clouds as when I arrived there, there simply couldn’t be more people. It was heaving. People queuing up to look at the massive load of people queing up to go on a very crowded ice rink. And this was when it was pissing down and freezing cold. Got the obligatory snap though:


“I gotta go wee wee”

So in a last ditch attempt I tried to maybe get some tickets to go see Saturday Night Live (as this is where the studios were). Unfortunately though you have to camp outside the building on Thursday all the way through to Saturday to stand a chance of maybe getting a ticket. Even a live incestual 4-way sex show starring the royal family isn’t worth that much queuing time so I decided to call it quits and snuggle up in bed. Xmas is about being inside with (and being inside – arf!) loved ones not being outside in shit weather in crowds of unknowns.

Not the best Xmas ever. More something that didn’t live up to my expectations. Which is kinda summing up the USA for me. Never mind, next stop is Boston…to meet the in laws. Gulp!

Washington DC,

Foolishly we end up driving into a major city yet again when its dark, meaning tourist information is closed so no decent maps of cheap places to stay. We did have an address of a hostel to stay at but it was a bit over our budget and we would have had to pay extra for parking. Seems kinda strange that for all our budgeting and worrying about going a few dollars over our limit, we eventually decide “oh fuck it” and stay in the Hilton for a few days after a few pointless hours driving around the city. But big sweaty man balls to it all. Its near the end of the trip and I wanna splash out and treat myself. And how! A magnificent suite with separate living area and gianourmous comfy bed. The perfect place for bloody marys, sushi and a fine selection of cheeses in bed after a hard days sight seeing.

What did we see though? Well the weather was, for want of a better word, gay (sorry to any gay blog fans out there but Im taking that word back, you’ve had it long enough now. I mean, whats next? Soon you’ll be taking ‘rimming’ for Atenboroughs sake!). The weather hasn’t stopped me before and I was armed with a deadly new winter coat so heres some grey landmarks:


“Can George come out to play?”

Hows this for being naïve; I thought we should be able to just rock up and have a little guided sniff around the White House, see a few paintings, you know the sort of shit. Oh no. These days you need to apply 6 months in advance, with the embassy in your own country before even setting foot in there. Ouch! Who said 9/11 made the American government paranoid? So in disgust we threw rocks at the windows and I could clearly see George standing at the window shaking his fist and muttering something about “Pesky kids”. It was either that or “God damn’ towel heads”. Im not too sure.

Anywho, checked out the memorial statue:


“Mmmm. Long, thin and pointy”

Along with the Lincoln Memorial building which I mistakenly believed to be the one that Rocky runs up in the film until Teddie pointed out that it was set in Brooklyn:


“Bow down and feel my wrath you peasants!”

Onwards from there and its on to the Aldershot? Cemetery. A vast and sacred burial area where Americas ex-presidents and fallen soldiers are laid to rest. Its so large you can even do a tour. Yes, a tour bus drives you around with a guy on the bus happily pointing out various graves with his chirpy, insightful commentary. I guess even here in the nation’s capital they fail to see the tackiness and somewhat inappropriateness of a guided tour around a cemetery. Maybe it was just me. I think the part where our driver said “And now for my favourite part of the cemetery…” did it. I mean, how many people have a favourite part of any cemetery? It was in actual fact the area where he proudly pointed out the endless (and they were literally endless, you couldn’t see the ends of the fields head stones) amounts of graves for troops that died during the Vietnam War. Graves caused by an unnecessary war. We were also lucky(?) enough to drive pass a funeral in progress caused by another, more current, unnecessary war. I suppose it’s a good job America like celebrating their dead.



To top off all this morbidity we went to the holocaust museum for a classic bit of misery revival. The usual offenders were all here, Hitler, Stalin, Cliff Richard but I think its good to have a brush up on the old history now and again just to make sure you don’t forget about it.

So what to do to lift this rather somber mood? How about get drunk and pose like a group making an entry for a 1980’s Eurovision song contest?



Yup, that’ll do it!

Orlando,USA

This place has always excited me everytime I came here, probably because I know Im in for a slice of cheesey tourist fun and loads of theme parks. However, this time it didn’t feel so good. I think having spent a year being a tourist and doing an obscene amount of cheesy touristy things has taken its toll on me. Perhaps its also because Ive been here so many bloody times that there are no more surprises left. I think this will be the last time I come here until I have children (well providing ,that is, all my sperms haven’t gone boss eyed and can still swim straight after all the abuse Ive given my body!).

One surprise it did reveal for me was a fantastic test of my patience. After a morning of crazy (and I mean a few slight inclines and bends, not really crazy) golf, we decided to take advantage of the half day discount at the Wet N Wild water park (Universal Studios seemed a bit of a rip off compared to Bushe Gardens as it was more expensive and had less rides). As I was driving, only one block away from Wet N Wild, I found myself in a wrong lane. Unable to go straight on, I was forced to take a turn left. In a desperate attempt to find an exit road or somewhere to turn I blundered onto a freeway with no exits for miles. Then a toll. Then I drove passed a place to do a U turn. Then desperate and blind exits were taken, driving onto different freeways. A few more tolls paid, 10 miles of driving and a stop in a petrol station to ask directions to a place I could actually see 30 minutes ago before being forced to make a disastrous wrong turn, and I was a nice simmering pot of rage. Luckily, Teddie had the common sense to point out that I should stop driving more and more aggressively and actually slow down in case we miss it again. Or kill a small child. Amazingly an argument along the lines of a man being too stubborn to admit he was wrong and a woman making a comment like “Well, if you’d have taken that turning like I said” was avoided and a great day out was had at the water park. I still blame the American road design. Now if they had roundabouts like normal people……

Theme parks aside, there was time to pick out a few bargains at the outlet shopping center, such as a big bastard thick coat for the winter weather that awaits us further north. I also got something I probably should have got a long long time ago:


“From zero…”


“To hero! Well…pinhead”

That’s right! After growing my hair solidly for an entire year I did the right thing and got a bloody hair cut. I suppose it wasn’t really fair for Teddie to be going out with Worzel Gummage. It wasn’t just a curiosity to see what I looked like with long hair (ridiculous), but it was also a symbolism for me being able to stick to something without giving up when it gets hard. I did what I planned and grew it for a year, and for me it looks better shorter, but I cant help feel that maybe I should have stuck to it and kept on growing it even more. What do you think blog fans?

Tampa, USA

After a mildly disappointing Miami, there was no doubt an injection of roller coasters would heighten the USA experience. The bad timing by me when taking this whole trip meant that the theme parks in Florida were pretty much the only major ones open in the USA at this time of year (You have no idea the how hard its been driving past so many 6 Flag theme parks and seeing that they’re all closed – glub!). So the plan was to drive up to Tampa for Busche Gardens then across to Orlando for the evening for further theme parkage.

After our monster 800 mile, 18 hour drive down to Miami, the drive up to Tampa would be a veritable slide down the Dutchman’s pole. However it just took forever and we didn’t get to the theme park until 2pm. It was at this point I was close to a child, sulking at the pure frustration at the thought of not being able to go on all the rides.

But we gambled that 4 hours should be enough to cover it all. And thank Bellamy it was! Me and Terry were pretty much running around from ride to ride, making up for lost ground. Suffice to say all the coasters (and there were bloody loads of them) were all fantastic especially the hang-you-over-a-vertical-drop-before-dropping-you-into-loads-of-loop-the-loops one and surprisingly the old fashioned wooden one. Probably because it felt like you were about to come off at anytime so you laugh like a madman on acid (not that I know what that’s like or anything).

A great theme park and filled with a surprisingly large amount of people going around on electric buggies provided by the park. Not that they were disabled (disabled people have the common sense to bring their own transport), no these people were simply too fat to walk so they buzzed around the park with they’re spewing mounds of excess flesh resting in the basket. Delicious eh? Why they paid 60 dollars to go around looking at rides that they would have no hope in hell of riding is beyond me. I guess they were there to see the pink flamingoes. Beautiful, but not worth 60 bucks.

Off next to my 4th visit to Orlando.

Miami, USA

We drove here in one day from Talladega. Get a map and look how far that is. Its about 800 to 900 miles. In one day. We left Talladega at about 1pm and arrived in Miami at 4am. Only stopping for fuel and food. We consumed 4 energy drinks which really are ridiculously potent because it kept us bouncing off the walls up to 7am as it took us a further 3 hours to cruise Miami Beach looking for a hotel that wasn’t ridiculously over our budget. Also had a scary moment driving through Everglades at 2am in dense fog with the petrol light flashing on the car and no idea where the next gas station was. Luckily we found one but could have made this monster journey a little more interesting.

Miami!! The last place I’m probably gonna get some sun before going home. And it rained. All weekend. Damn it I should’ve gone to Chicago! Miami is a very pretty place as Ive been here before, but in the rain it doesn’t half look miserable (as do most places I suppose). At least it was warm though. You get the impression its very much up its own arse here. Lots of expensive clubs billing themselves as ‘upscale’ so you don’t get in with Tshirt or jeans (pretty much my entire wardrobe for the last year). But if you avoid that you can find some decent drinking holes like, surprise surprise, an Irish bar. Had some Strongbows, which were nectar, then met some locals who said they’d take us to a really ‘cool’ bar where the locals go. It turned out to be a cheesey pick up joint. I left before they played “Love Shack”


“I’d rather be done up the butt than listen to…..”

Spent the next day cruising around. Drove into downtown Miami which looked like an absolute shit hole and dodgy as hell. At least I got a big ‘wave off’ on the drive back when a cruise liner full of passengers set sail. Then looked at some of the posh shops around Ocean Drive where Teddy tried on a $2000 dress. She looked bloody stunning in it and as the shop assistant told her, it was a guaranteed ticket into any VIP club. Shame I wouldn’t be able to join her with my scruffy gear on.

Headed out again that night to a big club in downtown. Took the bus to save cash which took forever to arrive. Then halfway there we had to get off for a piss stop. Then wait another 40 minutes for the next one. Back on the bus, it started filling up with the usual weirdo’s you get on American public buses. One Peruvian guy kept talking to us although I could only understand about 10% of what he said. He told us what stop to get off at and it looked like the dodgiest area possible. Everyone just started staring at us. And this guy wanted to take us some place even though I was trying my best to get a taxi the hell out of there. Managed to get one to the club but after all the weirdos and waiting around I really wasn’t in the mood. When the ATM denied me cash it was clearly a sign it wasn’t meant to happen and we bailed to get home, spending a small fortune on Taxis. What a great night out. I think this picture of Teddy waiting for a bus in the rain sums it up:


"Haaaaarumph!"

The next day was better spent with some nicer weather and a chance for some nice pics:






“Yes, I am wearing a head band”

And better weather is predicted for tomorrow (25C hopefully) where we shall be heading for a 2 day theme park bonanza. After that the plan is to head to New York for Xmas then Boston for New Year. Can you believe I’ve been away for 13 months now blog fans? Amazing I know. Ill be touching down in Heathrow on the early hours of the 10th of January courtesy of Air India(!). That’s 3 weeks from now.

Boo Hoo blog fans.

Alabama, USA

Ok so I got off the interstate and yes it was a lot more scenic. Then it started to absolutely piss it down so called it a day in a town called Jackson. Got a motel and stayed in for the night. Its kinda of annoying because you realize there isn’t much to do in these small towns except maybe find a bar (which we didn’t) but even if you do you have to drive there as everything is so spaced out so only one of you can drink really. The reality of this road trip is starting to hit home. But what an accent they have over here. Remember when you used to have a tape walkman and when the batteries started to run out it all slowed down and sounded a bit retarded. That’s what they speak like in Alabama.

As our detour in Alabama was only for 2 days we headed up to Talladega where, you guessed it, I watched Talladega Nights the movie! And then I went to the actual NASCAR race track. Except there weren’t any races on. This road trip couldn’t get any more exciting if it tried


“Wooohooo!”

Okay, lets start the longest bit of driving I have ever done in my entire life.

New Orleans, USA

Leaving Texas and entering Lousiana, our next destination is New Orleans. A wrong turning that cost me a dollar (it forced me over a toll bridge I didn’t need to go on) later we entered the city. You can see how this place was hit hard by the Hurricane last year but there is lots of rebuilding going on. The trouble is, there is so much that still needs to be rebuilt, its evident that not enough is being done. So I thought I may as well help out and pump some money into their economy (but not much, Im on a budget still!). Tourism is still doing good here and stayed in great motel that had the feel of a bohemian Australian hostel rather than an inner city motel. Cruising round the renowned French Quarter you get to see a whole host of crazy shops and curious French architecture that makes it feel quite different to other US cities:


“Get out of the bloody road!”

You get to see things like these two guys playing harmonica and singing in the middle of the road. Of course there are a hell of a lot of tacky tourist shops selling things like real gators, stuffed to look like waiters holding an ash tray. And also, a much more appealing Santa Doll this time:


“Jingle Jazz”

Wasn’t long before all the walking got too much and we had to hit a bar for a super strength Margarita



“Its got a shting in its tail”

Got suitably drunk for the evening on a street where pretty much every bar has live blues or jazz. Ended the night chatting to 2 girls who told us all about how they lived through Katrina and how it affected both the rich and the poor and that the police were shooting people with AK47s simply for being out on the street. Lovely. God bless America. Then one of them told us about how she ran away from home when she was 13 and was being chased by the FBI for hacking. Hmmmm.

Its at this point on the trip we had a cross roads. Initially wanted to head up to Chicago then go across to Detroit on the way to New York. But as the weather is pretty much freezing up there and Im not sure how good the car will be in the snow, it was decided to stay south for as long as possible and try and catch one last bit of sun before I have to head home for Blighty. So the new destination is Miami with a plan to go off the interstate on the way in Alabama and try and get through some small towns.