Before getting stuck into the start of the many activities Ive assigned myself to do whilst in this country it was time to have another stab at the road trip we failed at the previous day. Don’t think it was meant to happen as we got out of bed far too late (it can be quite hard to give up a lie in when you don’t REALLY have to get out of bed) and only had limited time. This was possibly the last chance Andy had of getting some surf in before heading back to Oz. Poor bastard, he’s been lugging his bloody great surf board all around Oz and New Zealand and I think Ive seen him use it about 3 times. And unfortunately it wasn’t gonna happen for him this time either. To give a technical surfing term, the waves were ‘as flat as a witches tit’ so we just went for a paddle on the best beach we could find at sunset time. It was bloody cold. I miss the warm weather. Great chance for sunset piccies though:
'Dont do that. You'll go blind'
Right enough guff! Its time to get extreme again. This was gonna happen a lot in this country as it seems to be populated with people coming up with more and more crazy ways of raising your blood pressure. First up, white water rafting. Now Ive already been rafting in Thailand so wasn’t too fazed by this one. Even when they told us it’s a ‘grade 5’ which is the highest grade you can commercially ride, I didn’t break too much of a sweat. Then they started mentioning 10m waterfalls you go down. Um, ok, I’m get a little worried now.
As I’ve started to find, the guys who run these type of things have an un-natural amount of enthusiasm and chirpiness for normal mortals. Must be the constant exposure to all things ‘extreme’ that re-wires their neural paths. Before boarding our vessel they culture us by saying a little Maori prayer to the river to give us safety and to thank the spirits for letting us attempt to kill us (yet again) on they’re lovely raging river. Cute.
The safety briefing tells us the various things we need to do when the driver calls out. Worryingly, apart from paddling back and forward, they involve either grabbing the side of the raft for dear life, or actually jumping into the middle and curling up into the crash position. Oh, and also what to do when the boat capsizes off a waterfall. Shouldn’t that be ‘if’ instead of ‘when’? Oh floppy cocks lets just get on with it.
It starts off quite pleasantly with a gentle paddle down the river with the driver pointing out various trees and some Maori history of the river. Apart from completely losing any sense of rhythm and co-ordination with regards to the paddling, things were rather pleasant. Then comes the big sodding waterfall. To be fair they stop before hand and make us do a big shouty Maori-style Haka thing to get you all syked up before the drop, which works a treat. Then off you go. Heres how it went:
Exactly. A total fucking disaster. I don’t really know how it happened but before I knew it I was underwater and rather desperately trying to get to the surface. To make it worse I came up underneath the upturned raft so I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Caught my breath and calmed down a bit before feeling a tug on my oar from outside the boat (god knows how I kept hold of it) which I thought was someone trying to rescue me. Turns out it was Andy trying to nick my oar as he’d lost his the bugger! Snatched it back and waited under the raft for things to happen. Didn’t really know what was happening so ducked under to join the real world again. As I did, the driver decided then to turn the raft back over. Imagine my horror upon resurfacing to open my eyes and see a humongous raft falling towards me. All I could do was close my eyes and hope. Luckily it landed a whisper away from my nose. If it had landed on my head it would have probably knocked me out. Really got to stop putting myself in these in situations. I’m never gonna rule the world if I’m dead all the time.
That was the worst of it thank god but to be honest it was a good chuckle after you get over the whole nearly dying thing. I was whooping and hollering my way down the subsequent waterfalls. Even rode one whilst in the water hanging onto the raft. EXTREME! One poor girl in the raft was traumertised by our entrée and was close to tears on the brink of all the latter waterfalls. You had to laugh at her. The driver made it his mission to wind her up even more too. Poor girl. Started to work out, to my annoyance, that I get colder quicker than most people due to my 0% body fat ratio, so by the end I was a shivering grumpy mess. But all said and done it was a good old way to spend an afternoon and if I had to invent a word to sum it all up it would be ‘prenolitentious’. Next!
Zorbing. You have to admire the guys who come up we’ve these strange things to do.
“How about I inflate a MASSIVE beach ball and roll it down a hill”
“Alright”
“BUT the catch is I’m inside it you see”
“Ahhh”
I’m guessing that’s how it’s inception actually occurred word for word. So there you are, twenty quid down, at the top of a grassy hill looking at a ginourmous, hollowed out inflatable ball. You dive in and roll down the hill. In actual fact its filled with a puddle of water so as the ball rolls its way down you slosh about inside like a giant bit of diced carrot in a stomach full of sick. Its kinda like riding a water slide but you have no idea where the hell you are. After 30 seconds it’s all over. Whoppee. Photo. Next!
'Micheal Jacksons mobile oxygen tank'
This is a bit more like it; buggy riding. The leaflet looks great. Hurling a beach buggy round a track. Awesome, this is gonna be go karting ++. However when you get there you discover the track is actually a disappointingly small circle. The vehicle itself was too tempting though. It had gears and everything! Let me at it! It holds 2 passengers so Andy clambers in, with me at the wheel first. The instructor informs us of the times to beat and that only 1 in 100 get under 12 seconds. Deep down I know my destiny is to become a race driver so I know I’m gonna get under that easily! Racing towards the first corner I realize that this is just not gonna happen. Firstly the seat is not adjustable and being just shy of 6 foot, even I struggled to reach the steering wheel. And if you’ve ever tried to drive with your arms strectched as far as they will go, you will know how bloody difficult that is. Plus the fact that you had to turn it at least 3 quarters of a circle before you get the benefit of anything resembling feedback.
That aside, I gave it my best stab and didn’t actually spin out to my credit. Towards the end my confidence raised and I was pretty sure I was gonna get that golden lap time of under 12 seconds. 13.27 seconds. 13.27!!!This can’t be!! I’m the next Nigel Manson for Bushes sake! The bump back to reality from the clouds was harsh and I was not happy. Luckily I managed to disguise my utter disbelief by smiling a lot. No one knew the real torment I was feeling. The quite uncanny thing was that on his go, Andy got EXACTLY the same best time, 13.27. Oh well at least he didn’t beat me otherwise it really would be noose time. Watched a guy do it after us who was spinning out left right and center but still somehow got an 11 second time. Utter bastard! Next!
That’s enough extremeness for now. Visted the geezers over the road. No not the dodgy Essex boys in funny leisurewear, the vile smelling pools of mud and shit belching out horrible fumes. It is an incredibly strange experience wandering round a park where the ground is literally boiling. This is the real bog of eternal stench. A truly impressive sight of nature but one that is far too smelly.
'Who farted?'
You do get used to it a little but it was too much for our hangovers. Groooo lets go to the Hot Springs! This is a purpose built complex with lots of little pools heated by all this unnatural (well it is natural actually) thermal activity going on down below. The instant thing you notice is these places attract doddering elderly Asian women like Herberts to a city center on Saturday. The other is that again, IT BLOODY STINKS. Still, we got in and hung out with our elderly homies and watched the sun set over the lake which was all very nice and anti-heterosexual. Think that’s enough for one location. Onwards!
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